total drama island

I have been working at this camp for a week, and I am already in the middle of a bunch of drama. It's ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I love this job, but some of the people are infuriating.

Basically, I am on an island with three guys and another girl. I'm the oldest, but we are all early twenties. We are opening the camp, so cleaning and painting and fixing everything. On the weekends, a bunch of the camp staff come up to help with the big jobs like putting the docks in the water. Anyways, this weekend a bunch of the dining hall staff, (teenaged girls), came up. Apparently their only job is to sleep with the male staff (it's an all-boys camp). But they are so dumb, I can't get over it! It makes me so mad that they just let these guys walk all over them, and that the guys are oh so happy to do it.

I think I am most infuriated because D (one of the guys who is staying on the island with me) was flirting with one of the dining hall sluts (DHS), and is saying he wants to sleep with her. Literally, she is the dumbest of the bunch. It makes me so mad!

It sounds like I'm jealous, and maybe I am. Well, not jealous. I'm mad because I was beginning to trust this guy. I like him, and I felt that he respected me. Now I'm not sure what to think. It makes me sad. I want to get close to him, but now I think he will just expect me to sleep with him; that I'm just a piece of ass. Gahhhh! Are all men this superficial?

preparations

What is is about suddenly having money and needing to spend it? ALL of it? I feel like I have been on a non-stop shopping spree for the past week, with no end in sight. It is wonderful on the surface, but I have this horrible nagging guilt in the back of my mind that won't go away.

Where did my sudden income come from, you ask? Well, income tax returns and student loans, of course. All semester I have been living on, like, five dollars a week, but I just got a bunch of government cheques in the mail, and now I am loaded. (Well, not really, but in comparison to normal I am). Yes, I should save it for tuition and my exchange, but I can't help but buy things. It must be in my genes, (specifically the XX of my 23rd chromosomes :P ).

Today I went shopping at Garage and bought a ton of stuff. I got some really cute booty sweatshorts and some tanks, and this awesome lime green hoodie. I don't usually shop there, (it's sortof a pre-teen store, but w.e.), but I need basics right now, because I start work next Friday!!!!! I am so excited! I got offered another job for May and the start of June, cooking at a summer camp for the work crew as they set up the camp for the summer. Basically, I am making meals for 25 university aged guys for six weeks! It will be hysterical, I am sure.  In my down time, (which I will have lots of because the meals are super easy), I get to help them paint and stuff. And, of course, I get to go canoeing and hiking and all sorts of things. Did I mention this is on an island, too? Sadly, northern Ontario is still cold at this time of year, and the lake will be frigid. There is internet access, though, so I will definitely update as often as I can. (Which might not be that often, and not long posts either, since I will only be taking my iphone with me :( But I will definitely keep up with everyone!)

I think what I will miss most when I am away will be aerobics and Zumba. But I am planning to take up running. Seriously planning to. And I bet a bunch of the guys at the camp will join me, so I will have workout buddies :). The camp that I will be working at from June to September has a trail race every Thursday, which I will be doing as often as I can.

I won't be able to weigh myself for, like, 4 months though, which is unheard of (a little frightening, actually). I will be taking a measuring tape with me, to keep track of myself, and to not let myself go. But honestly, I think when I come back in the fall there will be a huge difference, seeing as how a) I won't be able to binge, ever and b) I will be running/canoeing/swimming/playing frisbee/etc./etc. all summer.

I am going to weigh in on Thursday, the last day before I leave. I haven't for several weeks. I know I have been maintaining around 110 lbs, which is a drag, but I have been bored and this week was a total bust. However, all the clothes a bought today were XS, and they fit nicely (aka no muffin top!)

some new things

This has been such a weird weekend. I guess it hasn't hit me yet that I am on my summer holidays. It will tomorrow - Monday but no schoolwork to do. (Yayy?) Yea, I am thrilled that I am done school. I need a break. But now I am going to have a month and a half before I start my job :S I can do whatever I want, which is awesome, but I think I would rather have an plan/schedule/itinerary. I need goals, and to be able to check things off a list. Otherwise I feel like I am not accomplishing anything, just drifting day-to-day.

On the other hand, maybe I will be really productive for the next few weeks. This weekend was productive. On Saturday morning I cleaned. Bedroom, bathroom, house, swept, vacuumed, washed. Then in the afternoon I made a purse. Well, a clutch. It's really cute, here is a pic :)

I like to sew, but only when I have nothing else to do. It's kind of weird, I guess. But it keeps me busy, which is a bonus. I actually didn't eat on Saturday until dinner :) But then I went out for dinner and had a veggie burger and fries. And two pints of beer (*sigh). Whatever, at least I reminded myself that I can avoid food for a day :)

Today was okay. This morning I did a tae bo workout, which was hilarious. I felt ridiculous, punching and kicking and looking like a total twat. But I was so sweaty by the end of it. Definitely worth it :) I think it is my new go-to workout when I need a kick in the ass to motivate me. I went shopping this afternoon, too. For shoes, of course. My converse, which I have had for five years now, are full of holes. I mean, my feet practically go through the bottoms. So I went and bought a new pair. Navy blue, which is exactly what I wanted. Then I also got this pair of orange Keds boater shoes, because they were too adorable not to buy.

It was sunny today, but not very warm. Hopefully the weather picks up soon. I want to go for a run without freezing my lungs. (Actually, I don't really. I hate running. Maybe I will hike instead. There are some nice trails near my place...) I hope everyone had a lovely weekend, and sorry for the rambling post. I drank a ton of wine at dinner :( and now my sentences are really short or really long, but not making much sense either way :P

resignation to the end

Three days. Three days, and I am done exams, done with this horrible semester. Seriously, these last three and a half months have been so stressful, but not because of school. Not really. I kept my grades up, maybe not as well as last semester, but I am proud of my work. Besides, I did a ton more extra-curricular this semester, which tied up a lot of my time for studying. No, this semester was stressful because of my family, and because I was blaming them for my failing, (albeit in my head - I never said any of this). Failing self-control, failing not being lazy, failing interpersonal skills (because apparently I have been a frosty bitch since January). But this week I realized that I was just using them as a scapegoat. Sure, they may trigger unhappiness and self-loathing, but it is ultimately my decision whether I let them get to me and if I give up my self-control. I can't control them, but I can control me.

The problem is, I wish I could control them, especially my brothers, because their behaviour stresses me out. They personify my pet peeves. C is fat and lazy, two things that I never want to become. (Too late?) And as hard as I try to change that, he won't. Of course, I never really believed that he would pick up his slack and diet, but a girl can wish. Basically, I translated my failure of changing his to my failure of changing myself, and accepted defeat. I gave up.

I think what bothers me most is that C is well overweight. He really needs either to eat less, or do something active. No, "working" 40 hours a week is not good enough, and don't start telling me you are exhausted. You don't know what exhausted means! (Sorry, rant). But yea, I cannot wait to move out, (2 months!). Until then, I will be ignoring him. I have been doing that lately, and it works. It makes me feel like he is not there, and I can focus on my own life, not his.

Today I am studying wine all day. The exam is tomorrow afternoon, and I cannot wait until it is over. I'm not terribly concerned, but it is essay-style, meaning that I have to really focus during the two hours and organize my thoughts, and put those into writing. I have a hard enough time phrasing my thoughts for this blog. Oh well, I know the material. I wanted to study outside, its looks so nice and sunny, but there is frost everywhere this morning. Right now it is about 0C, and it is only getting up to 12 this afternoon. *Sigh. Soon it will be summer with temperatures over 40 and I will be wishing for this kind of weather. Always wanting what I don't have.

flashback

Okay, so I am halfway through watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and it is most excellent. Haha. Seriously though, young Keanu Reeves is such a better actor than modern Keanu. (Sweet November was the hardest movie to sit through). I have been watching 80s movies on youtube lately, in between study sessions - mindlessly watching the Brat Pack act out paper thin plot lines is the best way to de-stress. And I can't believe how big the hair was back then! I know that is overstated, but its so true! I watched Teen Witch for the first time a few days ago and it is hysterical. Seriously, if you don't watch the whole movie at least look up the "Top That" scene. Sums up the era nicely.

I wish I lived in the 80s as a teenager -if not for the stereotypes, then for the fashion. I know it all seems so over the top now, but at the time dressing in tutus and scrunchies was just natural. Now, if you are not wearing lululemons, tna hoodies, and uggs, you are given dirty looks, (at least that's how it is on campus). I actually made a bunch of scrunchies today, deciding that they are now cool (fashion is subjective, right?) 

In other news, this has been the longest week in the universe, but I have done hardly anything except study and eat. When will it end?!? (Next Friday, I guess, seeing as how it is my last exam). I am just so tired. I want to get back on a reasonable diet, with daily exercise, but right now I am just so focussed on studying for finals that I can't have my thoughts consumed by hunger or food all the time.

It really hasn't been all bad, though. No crazy binges, no doubt because I haven't been starving myself. I guess I have reached an equilibrium? (Not good though; equilibrium = plateau). I have two more exams to write, Wine on Thursday and Psychology Friday. Wine will be the hard one, because it is essay format; as in, I actually have to be able to apply what I learned, not just recall it when prompted for multiple choice. I'm sure it will go well, though. Besides which, in a week it will all be over and I will be on to bigger and better, (okay maybe just different), things. Volunteer work for a month, then camp for three! I really need a break from my family, (and they no doubt need one from me). I have been such a moody bitch lately. A few days ago I was slicing and apple and my brother asked what I was making and I literally snapped at him. (I tend to get annoyed when people ask me what I am eating. Why is it any of their business? I never pry into their eating habits, do I?) Usually I just shrug it off, but I went off on him. Needless to say he has stopped prying for the time being.

Anyways, I am going to finish the rest of the movie and go to sleep, hopefully. Its almost midnight here, and I have been up since 6 because my Chem exam was this morning. So glad that's over. (Seriously. Saturday morning exam? Who do they think we are, robots?) I want to start posting regularly here again, but I just don't know what to write. I feel so uninspired and uninspiring right now.

I look back at where I was a year ago and I wonder why I let myself become so disinterested in living actively and losing weight. I want my old self back :( 

study bunny

Easter Sunday. Ugh. This actually is, by far, my least favourite holiday of the year. Well, the whole Easter weekend, really. A four day weekend is usually a good thing, but my family always has a huge fight on the Friday and then its four days stuck at home in a hostile environment with nowhere to go.

Okay, I say that my family fights, but its really just my mother who initiates it. She will say some stupid thing, or take something the wrong way, and blow the whole thing out of proportion. Like last year. She was having issues with her mom, and she blamed us, her kids, for it. She kept saying that it was out fault, and when she asked for ideas on how to fix the relationship with her mother, we would give her some strategies which she would throw back at us and proceed to tell us that we don't care. Riiight. Needless to say, last year was terrible. She also left that night, got a hotel room somewhere, and basically disappeared for a few days. Very mature, mom. And all this after I asked her not to ruin Easter by fighting.

Oh well, this year is looking up for once. There have yet to be any disagreements; its like any weekend, I guess. Except that I want to strangle my brothers, (so yeah, it's like any other weekend).

I have been studying all weekend. I have an exam tomorrow morning, and another on Tuesday morning. I'm not too worried, but I am bored silly and you know what that means: eating out of boredom and the need to keep my hands busy. Not a good situation, at all. Today I will be busy, though. I am cooking dinner for my family. Ham, and scalloped potatoes, and cake. All things that I will not be eating. I have decided to make myself a massive salad with falafel. I am really excited, actually.

Sadly, the Easter Bunny came last night and left some chocolate for me. :( I had the most disgusting urge to eat it all for breakfast, (what is wrong with me!?), but I had a banana and some almond milk and chia seeds instead. I am going to do a workout this morning, too. Then its back to the books.

excuses, excuses

Wow. It has actually been, like, forever since I have posted anything. Yes, I am still in the upright position, although at times I marvel that I actually survived these last few weeks. Saying that I have been stressed just doesn't cut it. More like manic depressive - except not really, just in my head.

For the last month I have been working on school work, and doing little else. I am so worked up about getting decent grades that I am no longer interested any of my lectures. I have just been going through the motions of school, handing in assignments, writing midterms... I feel like I have wasted this entire semester being lazy. Okay, not really lazy, but very, very unmotivated. And in between lectures and work, I have done hardly anything productive. I think I use most of my spare time on either tumblr, or watching murder mystery shows on TV. I could be doing so much more with my time, (my life, really). Where did the girl with all the plans, the motivation, the ideas, go? Apparently my lack of initiative and interest scared her off.

And then there is the food issue. No, I have not given up entirely and let myself go. I am still at this plateau of mine. I don't mind, really, because this last month has been a bit of a (read: an enormous) write-off. I managed to maintain my weight, so I don't feel like a complete failure. On the other hand, food still consumes my thoughts at all times. If I am not eating, then I am thinking about what and when to eat next. Basically, I have conditioned myself to food and weight loss. In every situation, my thoughts turn to food or being thin. I am like one of Pavlov's dogs: ring a bell and I will immediately start counting calories, or planning my next workout or meal. It is maddening, and my head is constantly spinning with these thoughts. I hate this cycle, and I need to break it. But, like any bad habit, that takes commitment and motivation - both things that I have been lacking in the last while.

On the plus side, this is the last week of the semester. Four more days, (three since today is basically over). Then two weeks of exams. Then another six weeks before my summer job starts. (I got the job at the summer camp, btw! I am so excited. It is in a really secluded spot up north, and its an all boys camp ;) Okay, okay, the oldest campers are sixteen - but then there are the councilors, who will be closer to my age so I will have some guys to go into town with on my days off for a beer or something). I am planning to do a bunch of volunteer work during May to keep myself busy before then.

This week, though, I am starting again. I am trying to cleanse all the crap that I put in my body during March. Fruit, veggies, legumes, tea, and water. I want to be at most the same weight I was when I started school back in September - and it is looking good. No freshman 15 for me, thanks.

demotivational speech

Thursday mornings I volunteer with a snack program at an elementary school. It is run by university students in the nutrition program and we go prepare healthy snacks for kids around the city. All the money is raised through fundraising so it is free for them. Anyways, today my partner was sick so it was just me, which was nice. I prepared hummus and pitas and cucumber slices. Not very difficult, and I was done earlier than usual which would be okay but then I had over an hour to kill before my lecture. So I decided to walk to campus instead of taking the bus. (Actually, I wanted to walk because I had eaten a piece of pita that I felt guilty about and needed to burn off. 17.5 calories. Shocking, I know). It took about forty minutes to walk there, but it was raining so not as enjoyable as I hoped, but I bought a tea when I got there and went to class.

The weather has been miserable lately. It poured rain all morning, and now it is snowing. Oh wait, it changed back to rain. *Sigh. I have no desire to do anything today, least of all go to my aerobics class. But I will, because if I don't I will regret it, and I have no real excuse not to. And I know that when it is over, I will be feeling awesome and energized and accomplished. Plus I get to wear my new workout top. Well, it's just an old t-shirt that I cut up, but it is super cute :)

But I would much rather wrap myself in flannel pyjamas and blankets and do nothing for the rest of the day. That would be nice. Instead, I will sit here and pretend to do homework, freezing my tits off. Maybe I should move somewhere warmer...

on one condition...

Today in my psych seminar we were discussing applying animal training techniques on people. Seems a little strange and manipulative, right? Not really, if you consider that raising a child is essentially the same thing. Rewarding and punishing behaviours is the basis of child-rearing. Anyways, we got to talking about conditional and unconditional love of children, and the pros and cons of each. For the most part, we all agreed that unconditional love can create a child without a structured lifestyle and goals, but at the same time conditional love is really stressful for a child, and failure becomes something to fear.

I used to think that my parents love me unconditionally, but after today I realize that it is definitely a conditional love situation. They only show me affection when I do something that they approve of, or feel is appropriate - like getting good marks or being thin. My mom, especially. She is living vicariously through me. She is far from thin, (apparently she used to be, but I have never seen proof), but she calls me fat or says there is "a lot of me lately". Whenever I eat, she judges me. She is constantly asking me what I am eating. (I doubt that she wants the recipe, I mean, seriously! What does it matter to her whether I am eating a grape or a bowl of oatmeal? How is it any of her damn business? Do I ever ask her what she is eating? Of course not!)

Basically, I have been trained to believe that thin is best; thin = happiness, approval, support, and my parents' love. But I don't want my parent's love! Not any more, now that I realize they only love me if I am asocial and self-hating, because that is exactly what they have reduced me to!

This doesn't change anything, though. I still want to be thin. I am still going to be thin! I am going to continue to resent my parents - just now I understand why I do a little better.

Today's intake was okay, I guess.

Breakfast: 1 cup pineapple, 10 grapes
Lunch: 1 cup spinach salad
Dinner: 1 cup pasta salad, 1 cornmeal muffin, 1 orange

Oh yeah. Tonight at dinner I watched my mom eat. Full plate of food, (pasta salad, potatoes, pork schnitzel), then she went back for more potatoes, then ate an onion bun, and cake. It was revolting and depressing at the same time. Is that what I look like when I stop caring? Note to self: don't give up.

w.e

Saturdays are usually productive for me, but today was particularly so. I often wake up around 8 am, (don't ask me why I don't sleep in...I wish that I could :( ), and then spend the whole morning doing as much schoolwork as possible, because I usually slack off in the afternoon. But today, I just kept going! I did an online chem lab, finished my Intro Foods notes, did my online discussions, revised my psych essay, studied wine, and finished my annotated bibliography. (Sorry to bore you with the list, but it feels so good to see it in writing!) Oh, and I did laundry.

If only Saturdays could be as successful, food-wise. I have been slacking off. Not binging, mind you, but not paying attention to my intake and thus am at a plateau. And, of course, I am striving to prevent any gain by exercising like a madwoman. (Except not really). But its so annoying! The point of me exercising is to help my wait loss! Not prevent weight gain! Sigh*

On another note, I still hate my brother, C. Why he has to be such a petty twerp, I will never know. Today, my parents went out to look at flooring. They bought a property recently and are planning to build a house, so they have been travelling around looking at flooring, and cabinets, and stuff. Anyways, they ordered some hardwood flooring today, and are going to install it themselves - well, us kids will help them, to be sure. I made a joke that we will all have enormous biceps after working the nail gun when installing the floor. We were all laughing, and then C snidely remarked, almost under his breath, "Actually, just three of us will." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? (Okay, so I know what it means. He thinks that my mom and I will do fuck-nothing while he, K, and my dad install the floor). Seriously, though? Why does he have to be so petty, and cruel. He does it on purpose - makes me feel bad and guilty, I mean. Whatever, I'm not letting him get to me anymore. He has said enough, and at one time I believed him of my "worthlessness", but not anymore. I don't respect him in the least bit.

p.s. stillimagining, thanks for the congrats! I am so excited to go, and to talk to people with accents all the time. (Actually, I can't wait to hear them tell me I have a Canadian accent. That'll be too weird!)

time for a (ex)change

A few weeks ago I applied to go on a university exchange next winter. I had to write an essay as to why I should be chosen, list references, rate my top three choices of where I wanted to go, etc. My top three choices were: 1) Aberdeen 2) Massey University in New Zealand, and 3) Oxford Brookes. I picked these because they have really good nutrition programs, an I want to take courses that will transfer to my program here. Anyways, I got an offer today, and.....(drum roll please)....

ABERDEEN! I am going to Scotland next January!

It hasn't really sunk in yet. I mean, it is nearly a year from now. But I am thrilled to pieces!

There is so much to do until then, too. Flights, accommodations, course selection, finishing both this semester and fall semester here in Canada, summer work. At least I will be busy, even if I am ticking the days off the calendar in eager anticipation.

It was funny, actually. When I picked up my acceptance package today at the Center for International Programs, the girl at the desk asked me if she could videotape my reaction to my acceptance. "Umm.... no?" That would have been too weird, especially because I am not overtly emotional, ever. I probably would have looked totally uncomfortable, and fake. Instead I stuffed the package in my bag and went to Starbucks and got a soy Green Tea latte - unsweetened, of course. And then I sat down and read my acceptance letter - much more my style :)

one step forward, two steps back

It is like I am destined to be miserable. Every time something happens to me that is good, I turn around and do something else to completely screw myself over. It's as though, subconsciously, I want to be miserable.

I had a job interview today. I was nervous, but it went really well. It is for a position as a baker at a summer camp. I really want the job. 2 months at a secluded campsite, room and board included, no family to make me feel inadequate. Dream job! I'll know in one or two weeks if I got it :)

Sadly, I screwed up my "everything is going super" high tonight. I went to Zumba as usual, and that was fine. When I was backing out of the parking lot, I heard someone beeping their horn. I wasn't sure what it was about so I stopped, and looked around, checked my mirrors, etc. About a minute passed, and nothing happened, so I assumed all was good. So then I started backing up and, of course, I hit a car that was RIGHT BEHIND ME! (Such an idiot!) I quickly pulled back in and parked the car, and the person behind me did the same. I got out and went over to apologize and check the damage. The woman got out of the car and started reaming me out, saying "Did you not hear/see me?" Well, of course I didn't see you, or else I wouldn't have backed up into you. I did hear you, but I didn't know who was honking and what for. I just wanted to apologize, and make sure that you and your car are okay. She was pissed, I could tell, but who wouldn't be? I just felt, though, that her opinion of me was that I am a total twit. There was no damage, (because I was going like 1km/h), but I offered her my number anyways. She didn't want it; said she would talk to her husband and that I would probably see her next week, so if there are repairs she will let me know then. (I guess she is in the dance class after me).

Actually, she was fairly good about it, except that I could tell she thinks I'm a total fool. I was upset at myself mostly. But then as I was walking back to my car I saw two of her friends looking at her, then at me, then at each other. I fucking hate women! I am sure as soon as I pulled away they started gossiping. They don't even know me! I am probably being unfair - I don't know them either - but I am a girl, too. And girls gossip, and they were no doubt gossiping about me. How I was probably texting, or listening to music too loud, or just a total bumbling idiot (none of which is true). And then, of course, they would start talking about how terrible young drivers are, and how the youth of today are ignorant and oblivious, and go on and on....

Okay, so they probably didn't say all that, and I am overreacting. But I can't help but beat myself up over making an obviously terrible impression on a person I will probably see again, but not socialize with, thus she will only ever see me as a the girl who backed up into her in a parking lot. Fuck my life.

wine and (no) cheese

Back in the groove of things, almost. Sometimes when I stop exercising everyday, I lose motivation to start again. No good. But I made myself go out last night to Zumba, and today I woke up and did an aerobics video. I like working out in the morning, because I am not awake long enough to talk myself out of it. But then I am always super hungry come lunchtime. But I resisted, sort of. I just had a bowl of lentil soup and a piece of pumpernickel bread. For dinner, I made myself some salad with grilled tofu and an apple. It was good, and I felt full, but then I had a bagel. I don't know why I did. I wanted it, I guess. But I wasn't hungry.

Today is the first day of Lent, and although I am technically Catholic, I don't actually practice the faith in any way. But I always come up with some plan for Lent. Really, it's just an excuse to give things up, or plan to live as a better person, I guess. Sort of a New Year's Re-resolution for me, since my resolutions have usually fallen through by now. Right. So here are my goals for the next 40 or so days:

1) eat vegan. (I pretty much do anyways, but there are times that I struggle. And they always end up being binges. So by being vegan, I avoid triggers).

2) no alcohol. (Unless I am going out dancing, or something. But it is just empty calories and makes me feel like hell. I promised that when I submit my wine essay I would get a bottle of Viognier to celebrate. It is due Good Friday, so Easter/end of Lent I will have a glass of wine).

3) no procrastinating with mindless eating. (Okay, it should be no procrastinating at all, but let's be serious, that will never happen. If I need a break from work, I can do a pilates video, or dance, or read a magazine, or paint my nails, etc).

4) no carbs for breakfast. (I mean like oatmeal, or cereal. It always makes me sluggish and more prone to overeat later in the day).

Basically, I just want to simplify my habits. I am tired of feeling obligated to eat.

pushed to the limits

It seems that no matter what I do, it still isn't good enough. And even if it is 100x better than the next person, it just doesn't measure up.

My mom has a knack for crushing my self-esteem. I got a 93% on my chem midterm. When she asked how I did, (she asked, I didn't brag), she treated me as though I could do better - should do better. And that I had better bring that mark up if I know what's good for me. Okay, so she didn't say that in so many words. But when I told her my mark, she gave me a look of cold pity, and said "Well. You passed, I guess." Passed. Passed? I passed with flying colours! Don't you dare try to take that from me!

Too late, I feel inadequate and useless. Once again.

For the past few days, too, she has been getting on my ass about doing schoolwork. Every time she sees me doing something other than studying, she says "Have you done everything that you wanted to today?" My answer is always "Yes". (I'm not stupid enough to say no). This is supposed to be my winter break! Why can't I just take a breather? On Sunday she asked if I was planning to do work every day this week. "Well, sure. Why wouldn't I?" "Oh, good." She says, "That means you have a plan". Alright, mom. Not sure why it affects you whether I have a plan or not. But okay. I really appreciate you controlling my life and hovering. Not.


I got my mark back today for a paper I wrote two weeks ago. Not happy with it. AT ALL. In fact, I cried. Not because I felt like I deserved better. (I did a little, but I have a similar one due at the end of the term so I will bring my mark up for that one). No. I was upset because I feared how my mom would react to it. Disappointment. Disgust. I don't want to face that. So I won't tell her. Not that it is any of her business, anyway. But when she asks, (she will), I wont tell her. I won't lie, I will just say that it is NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS.

***

Just got back from Zumba. Feeling much better. I didn't want to go. I was feeling lazy, as I haven't done any sort of physical activity since Thursday. But I did, and I'm glad I did. I got to yell and scream and dance all my angries out. Exercise is the best way to feel better. It takes your mind of of everything. It gets the endorphins flowing. And, unlike food, you don't feel like a guilty failure afterwards. (If only I could remember this before I eat next time). And then I went and bought a magazine. Nylon. Nina Dobrev is on the cover, (lover her).

I also read my feedback on the paper I did terribly bad on. Not as bad as I thought. I just didn't include the things I was supposed to, apparently. (It was a reflective essay. Not sure how there was a set of things to write about, since it was subjective, but whatever). Suffice to say, I can totally bring my mark up to awesome next time.

Sorry for the novel. I will cut it here. But I will be back tomorrow night. Promise. I have big plans for a new diet tomorrow.

siiiiiick

Yes, life. You know me so well. I just love it when you put a brick wall in front of me when I am running full tilt. Getting sick in the middle of midterms is the best!

Actually life, that was sarcasm. I want to die. I feel like somebody drilled a hole through my head and dropped a house on me. I would love to curl up in bed and sleep for a week. I would love to drink tea all day and not have to do anything. Not even think. Sadly, I have two midterms tomorrow and a paper due this weekend that I have yet to even think about doing.

Could this have not happened next week, I wonder? It is, after all, my winter break. In fact, I was planning to be sick, (assuming that the stress I have built up would make it inevitable), but apparently I couldn't last another 4 days. No, instead I will suffer during these last few days, and then feel better by next week so I can be obligated to work on my final papers for my courses.

One step at a time. By Sunday, this will all be over. I hope.

be mine

Valentine's Day. Funny how this is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year. The day where you go out with your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/whatever, and have a lovely date. Give/receive flowers and tokens of affection. Of course, if you don't have a significant other, you are stuck wallowing in self-pity, and self-hate, and gorging on all the sugar and fat that is available at this time of year.

Thank you, backwards logic. How the fuck am I supposed to get thin, and be attractive, and love myself enough to let someone love me when in the meantime I eat my emotions, and stay fat?

Today was better than most Valentine's Days, though. Three years ago I ate half a Dairy Queen ice cream cake, (my best friend ate the other half), and drank enough vodka to sink a ship. Two years ago, I had a nacho and wine binge with the same friend, and ate a dozen toaster strudels. Last year, another binge. I remember going to Zumba afterwards and nearly throwing up during the warm-up because I had eaten so much. This year, no binges. Yes, I had a cupcake and a chocolate, along with my regular intake. Not complaining... promise. It made me feel better, and because I stopped there, I feel better.

Strange. I wrote that last line as though I have two parts to me - the part that wants to eat, and the part that fears food. (Who am I trying to kid? It's not strange, it's reality. This is a constant balancing act to please the two mes without falling to pieces).

Tomorrow: Diet. Restrict. Fruit. Vegetables. Clear fluids. Pilates. Studying. Happiness.

just this once could be the start of forever

I ate dinner after Zumba as usual, but for the first time, like, ever, I didn't overeat! Usually when I get home from fitness class I am starving, and I eat everything in sight. And I use the fact that I just burned a ton of calories as an excuse. It's not really a binge. Well, maybe a mini-one. I only eat slightly more than a normal person would, but I never feel full. Only when  I leave the kitchen does it hit me. The fullness, the guilt, the self-loathing. Not today, though. When I got up this morning I promised myself I would practice self-control, and for once I came through.

I feel strange, but in a good way. My body is confused but my mind is clear, (usually it is the other way around).

Control is rare right now. I am in the middle of midterms, which means that for the next eight weeks I am under massive school pressures. Midterms, then papers, then finals. Plus keeping up with notes and labs. All the while trying to get thin. Impossible, it seems. Sometimes I convince myself that I should eat normally, because I need the brain food to do well in my classes. But then I eat garbage, and feel bad, and mope, and then do no schoolwork anyways. I think I am using food to procrastinate. It needs to stop.

I will not procrastinate by eating. I will not procrastinate. Schoolwork can't be as hard accepting failure and defeat! Nothing is that hard!

bake off = weight on

I went shopping yesterday, and it had its ups and downs. Actually, mostly ups. First of all I bought a really nice new coat. Its black (I know, I know, but it was also 50% off). I love it, and it's super warm. I also tried on some jeans, against my better judgement. Size 26 was their smallest size, and they were too big. Which is awesome! But also shitty, because they were really nice jeans and I obviously wasn't going to get them if they didn't fit. Oh well.

Today I went to Toronto to a vegan bake off. It was super fun. You had to buy a plate with five samples of desserts, and then rate them. I had a gluten-free sample and a cake/bars sample. Both delicious, and just bite size too. (Yeah, it added up to like two desserts, I guess. But it was all in good fun, so I am not going to read into it too much. Plus it was all vegan, which means no butter or eggs!) I also went out to lunch at a vegan place in downtown T.O. I love their menu. They have like a million kinds of smoothies and juices, but I didn't want one because I was ordering a meal, too. I ended up having a small bowl of buckwheat soba noodles with curried chickpeas and sunflower sprouts, and some grilled cornbread with flax hummus. Sooo tasty. Thank goodness I only go to Toronto like once a month, so I can be good on my diet every other day.

Speaking of once a month, I measured yesterday, and I am definitely smaller! I am still 108 lbs, but I think I am toning up too, (and muscle, as we all know, weighs more than fat). My waist is about the same, but love handles are down like 2 centimeters, as are my boobs! And my index finger is a few millimeters smaller, too. Loving it!

My mom kind of ruined my feel-good high yesterday, though, by saying that I'm looking healthy. "You're not skinny, you're toned and fit. You look rested." I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Is she referring to be being heavier that I used to be, or the same but more muscular? I have no idea. And then today when I told her I was giving away my old winter coat, (from several years ago), she said "Yeah, I guess you won't be needing it unless you become huge again". Woah woah woah! I was never huge... was I? Sometimes people just don't think before they speak.

But speaking of reasons to lose weight, I am going to a wedding in June!!!!! My friend from college, who I lived with for a summer, is getting married. (I like to think that I set up the relationship between her and her fiance). I am so excited, weddings are the best. Plus this one is in the Maritimes, so I get a holiday out of it, too. And Maritime weddings are double the fun! (God I hope it's an open bar).

I wish I was getting married, if just to shop for dresses.

it's that time of the month

It's February, and you know what that means? Progress report! Except that it is Wednesday and I am too tired and lazy to weigh and measure myself. So I am putting it off until Friday (which is my usual weekly weigh-in anyway).

I started taking a picture of myself at the beginning of each month back in September. I thought that it would let me see my progress better. (I always feel the same size even if I lose 10 lbs. It is impossible to see a difference in my appearance when I am with myself 24/7). As it happens, though, I still don't notice much difference. Thus, starting in January I have been taking measurements of various body circumferences each month. (I have only done this once, I guess, but whatever). This way, even if I can't see a difference, I will have physical proof of change. And if there is not change, it will be a kick in the ass to get working and lose the fat! (Actually, it will make me massively depressed and want to eat my sadness. But after I rationalize and pick myself up, I will get working and LOSE THE FAT!)

I am really looking forward to Friday now. Excited, even. Fridays are usually pretty awesome, anyway. I only have two classes. And I always treat myself to coffee. (Yeah, I know. Lame. But I can't drink coffee too often because a) it messes with my insides and b) it gives me a similar high to dope, and I don't want to become tolerant and lose the high. Friday chem class just wouldn't be the same if I wasn't spacey). I am also going shopping in the afternoon! I have been meaning to go to this shop downtown for a few weeks to look at winter coats. Right now I have a snowboarding coat, which I have had for like 6 years. It's nice and warm and all, but I don't snowboard. Nor have I ever. I really want a hot pink coat. Or a Canada Goose parka. Or a girly pea coat, (but I am too short and think a pea coat would look silly on me). The store is having a huge sale on winter stuff, so I am going to check it out. I might look at jeans, too. But I hate jeans shopping. I always feel like a whale. Dresses, then.

p.s. stillimagining you are so lovely! when my mind is spinning and losing control, reading your comments always put things back into perspective. xo

big fat confession

I need to fess up... I am a fat whale.

I gained a bunch of weight over the Christmas holidays and I have been pretending that I didn't. Sorry! I feel like a phony. And a failure. 

I was 106 lbs before the break, and on New Year's it was 115. (So embarrassing! It is taking so much effort to admit to this!) I didn't let it get me down, though. (Well, maybe a little). I thought it would just come back off really quickly, as if it were only water weight. (9 lbs of bloat, who was I kidding? Myself, obviously).

Okay. So that is my big, fat confession. Now here is my skinny one. I am back down to 108 lbs!

So now I sound like Little Miss Snobbish. I don't mean to. I just want to admit that I lied to myself. That I couldn't admit that I broke down. That I gained. But also that I am not going to pretend anymore.

The world won't take me seriously if I don't. 

keep on keeping on

I want to go to bed. I need to go to bed. I need sleep, even though I have been getting at least 7 hours a night, lately. What is wrong with me? I think I am just stressed. My brain is going a mile a minute, constantly thinking of what all I still have to do, while my body is trying to catch up.

I am taking two distance ed courses this semester. I thought they would be easy, but they are taking up all of my time as I read through all of the resources and try to make notes. I say try, because I don't even know what I am supposed to be making notes about. I miss having a lecture to go to. To have a prof to teach the material. I suppose it wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't taking three courses at the university as well. But I am, because that is how the system works. 5 courses in 12 weeks, then do it again. I feel like every time I catch up on one week's work and notes, the next week is already half over. I am so stressed right now! Which is really strange for me, because I never get stressed. I think I dug myself a hole last semester by achieving such high grades. I set a standard that I am afraid not to measure up to.

On the plus side, my course work has put food on the back burner. Wayyy back. I used to fear mealtimes because I couldn't face the calories. Now I worry that any time spent eating is better spent making notes, or typing up papers. Not to say that I don't still fear the calories. Trust me, that will never change. I am thanking my lucky stars, too, that I don't snack when I am studying. Or stressing. I can't get any work done when I am eating handfuls of whatever I can get a hold of. It puts me in too relaxed a state of mind and I end up procrastinating.

It's wonderful how focusing entirely on schoolwork makes me forget about eating, though. And hunger. Haven't felt that in a while. I know that I can't keep this up, though. My body is telling me to stop. To breathe. But I can't, I have too much work to do. This is only the third week of the semester, too. I don't think I am pushing myself too hard. I am just not used to it. I am used to relaxing, and eating whatever the fuck I want, and not caring about what I look like, or what my goals are. Now my body is complaining.

TOO BAD! It's just going to have to deal with it, because I want this too much. I want to be thin, and I want to do well in school. Therefore time will be spent on studies. All of it. And being thin will just come along with it. Believe me, though, when I say that there will be times when I lost control. When a binge seems like the best option. But, as you are my witnesses, I know that it is never the best option. I must repeat this mantra always, so that when the time comes to walk away from temptation, I can. And will.

Success, confidence, and control are the best options.

feel like i'm walking on eggshells

Every few months or so, my mom decides she is going to have a mental implosion. Basically, she builds up this idea that we all hate her, and everything is her fault, and then she snaps and won't talk to anyone. What it is she thinks is her fault, I have no idea. She once told me that she feels like she has to hold everyone's life together for them. I told her that is ridiculous. That she is stressing herself out for no reason and no wonder her blood pressure is through the roof. I also told her that instead of walling up and being a frigid bitch, she should just speak up and tell people how she feels. Of course, she won't. But who am I to talk? I have never opened up about my eating problems.

Anyways, yesterday when I got home from class and tried to strike up a basic conversation, my mom starting giving me attitude, and spoke to be in a condescending way. I wracked my brain to think of what I had done wrong, but couldn't come up with anything. Turns out her and my brother had it off earlier, and she was still steaming. What their fight was about, I have no idea, but I am sure she blew it way out of proportion like always and made him feel like an ungrateful wretch. (I know because she does the same to me). Anyways, she left for the evening, which just made everyone feel worse. (At least this time she didn't rent a hotel somewhere and show up days later).

Later last night my one brother, (who had the earlier disagreement with my mom), came downstairs and asked if me or my dad could smell something burning. I didn't notice it at first, but then I could definitely smell it - dope. My other brother had decided to light up in his "room" (it's actually just the front room he is sleeping in until he finds an apartment... if he ever starts looking). What a twit. I have no issues with weed, I smoke it all the time, but not at my parents' house. I mean, come on! How dumb and disrespectful can you get? He knows damn well that they are against it. He is just so selfish and smug. Whatever. My dad lit into him. I don't think he told my mom though, (smart thinking, she would have lost it). I hope they ask him to leave. His presence stresses me out.

On the plus side, I have been hiding away in my room most of the weekend, (I'm too afraid to go near anyone in case I say the wrong thing and they explode), so I have not been eating all the time like I do most other weekends. Just focusing on my schoolwork, (which, by the way, is a total bore. I have to do a talk on the implications of using neuroscience as evidence in court cases on Monday).

I hope you are all doing well and staying strong :) I think I might give myself a pedicure later to cheer myself up.

don't get me down

Thursdays seem to be intent on defeating me. Seriously, today was ridiculous. First, I got on the wrong bus and had a 45 minute "scenic" tour of the city. (It was more a ride around housing developments). This, of course, made me late for class. My only class on Thursdays. Not that it mattered, though, because I never learn anything in psychology, anyway. The prof is a total flake, and he never focuses on the material, just goes off on tangents about chain-emails and newspaper biases. Needless to say, I was not concerned that I was made late, but that I went to class at all. Total waste of my time. Then, of course, I had to catch another bus home, which was 15 minutes late. By the time it showed up I was miserable and plastered in snow. At least I got on the right one this time.

I have a 20 minute walk from the bus stop to my house, which I usually don't mind. Today, however, it was really blizzardy, and walking up the side of a highway when cars cannot see the lines on the road is no fun. I called my brother to see if he could come pick me up, but he was just leaving for work, and he wouldn't. Seriously? It takes less than 5 minutes! What a jerk. Oh well, calories burned, right. Actually, more than usual because the snow was drifting up to my calves making it really difficult to walk, so it took nearly twice as long to get home. By the time I did, though, my legs were blistered and bleeding because my jeans were tucked into by boots awkwardly and were rubbing :(

I didn't let the morning get me down, though. I had Zumba to look forward too. But, of course, the weather kept getting worse and I ended up not going. I did, however, shovel the driveway, (which is bigger than I thought and snow is much heavier than I remember), so I got some exercise that way. And I did a 30 minute strength video, as well, so I am feeling pretty good about today, as far as calories burned go.

Calories in? Not terrible. I had a smoothie for breakfast, as usual. Coconut milk, mango juice, blueberries, and a banana. For lunch I had a big spinach salad with 1/2 tbsp tahini dressing. Mid-afternoon, I had an apple with some peanut butter. I eat this on the days I have Zumba, to give me enough energy not to pass out. I felt guilty, afterwards, though, which is when i decided to shovel. Good thing, too, because I didn't end up going, anyway. For dinner I had 1/2 cup gnocchi with some tomato sauce, and more salad. And a handful of roasted pecans.

I think my intake is a little high, but as far as Thursdays go, this one went well. My self-control usually starts to go downhill at the end of the week. This is the time of mindless eating for me. Fridays and Saturdays, I start the day well, but I end up snacking later because I feel relaxed and comfortable, being the weekend and all. Sundays are a total right-off, because I have already screwed up my diet the last two days. And then the cycle begins again on Monday. My goal this weekend, though, is to really stay in control. One day at a time. I really want to avoid mindless eating/snacking, and eating out of boredom. It is not really binging, but it is not healthy or necessary either. I think I have figured out my triggers, which is a start. This weekend, if I can focus on only feeding my body when it is hungry, and with nourishing things that it needs, even if my intake is a little high (1200 cals max), I will be happy.

yo yo diet

Why do I bother eating at all? I don't enjoy it. I hate when people see me eat. I hate eating around people because I hate watching them eat. And after I eat, I feel like a fat whale. So seriously, why do I even bother?

This is not necessarily a rhetorical question, but if you are waiting for an answer, I don't have one.

I keep telling myself, "It's okay to eat this big bowl of oatmeal , or spoonful of peanut butter. It's okay because you are still committed to losing weight and you will, eventually, be thin." Riiiight. My fat ass I will. It's like saying I am committed to conserving water as I let the taps run freely. I am either committed, or I am not. YES or NO. So which is it?

YES!!!! YES YES YES! Is there any other answer? But I need to do more than just state it, because it has clearly gotten me nowhere. I need to act on it, with conviction. No more of this "Oh, you will be thin, but since right now you are still a fatty you can eat it." Writing that down it doesn't even make sense. Every time I slacken the reins on my self control I fall behind schedule. I negate progress. EVENTUALLY has become NEVER.

Not any more. Now every time I don't eat lunch, or I drink an extra glass of water, or I run an extra mile, I will tell myself that I am that much closer to my UGW. And every time I have another bite, or put sugar in my coffee, or skip a workout, I will have ruined any progress. This plateau is my own doing. I am yo-yoing day by day, and it needs to stop.

These are the things I want. That I dream about. But it will take effort, I know that. So why do I keep telling myself eventually?

does happiness come in a diet variety?

I had so much that I wanted to write here this past weekend, but then my internet was down. And then I forgot what it was that I wanted to post. Bummer. Well, I sort of remember it, but I am not nearly as motivated, or inspired, or excited about all the thoughts and insights that were spilling from me on Saturday. I will try, though.

I always feel as though I am running out of time. Or maybe that I am not using my time as efficiently as I should.  I want to see results. I want to be thin. I want to not eat today and wake up to see between my thighs tomorrow. I know that is completely unrealistic. I know that it takes time, and work. So why I keep finding myself running my hands over my ribcage, wondering why I can't feel them any more prominently than yesterday? Or an hour ago, for that matter? And then I start to convince myself that I shouldn't be so miserable, and self-hating. That I should enjoy the moment I am in, and stop projecting so much of my energy into future maybes. I say maybes because enjoying the moment means letting go of my control, eating garbage, and forgetting about my goals, apparently.

WEIGHTLOSS = RESTRICTION and CONTROL  = OBSESSING ABOUT FOOD = MISERY

There must be another way. A better way.

 But maybe there isn't. And if that is the case, then I need to start adding little bits of sunshine-y happiness to my daily grind, so that the misery is balanced by bursts of, hmm, wonderful? (YIKES. Sounds like I am the ad campaign for a soda pop on ecstasy). Like today. I made myself a cup of mint tea and listened to disco. It was nice, and suddenly I didn't feel quite as hopeless. Yay for endorphins not induced by chocolate. All the feel-goodness, none of the calories!

Classes started on Monday, which is good. I have a much better schedule this semester. Lots more walking, less sitting around on campus waiting for my next class, and no night classes! I want to procrastinate less, too. Listen to me, I'm such a hipocrite! I complain about not having enough time, and yet I openly admit to wasting it! Sigh.

a new coat of paint

The first three days of 2012 have already been better than the last three weeks of 2011. My thoughts are much more focussed now, which is reassuring. Last week I was so scattered; it felt like I was making ten million decisions at once, but that I was ten different people, too. I couldn't figure out what I wanted, and was acting out of impulse. Very bad. Somehow, though, I have been glued back together. Must be the shiny new year motivating this change.

Anyways, I posted a few new pages today. They are mostly just links to workout videos. I am an addict to working out, (of course, you wouldn't know it if you saw me). I also posted my routine. If nothing else, it is a succinct program for me to stick to, and a bold reminder not to give up.

I hope you are all having a good start to the new year!

xo

resolutionary road

It's January 1st again, and we all know what that means! The end to holiday parties and eating, and NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!!! Until a few years ago, I never bothered to think up any resolutions, but now I am all about it. I think it is important, if not to make goals, but to have something to gauge your personal progress on at the end of the year. Actually, I don't think I look at my list for the full 365 days. Just before making new resolutions, I read my old ones, and see what I have accomplished, and what I need to revise, or what I don't even care about anymore.

This time last year I was in a real state. I hated my job, my living situation, and I had made a huge promise t myself to lose weight. Over the year, I had some ups and downs, as expected. I may not have reached my goal weight, but I proved to myself that I can. And this year I will.

But besides reaching my goal of 100 lbs by this time next year, I have made some other resolutions. I usually like to mix small, material accomplishments with broader aims. Physically checking something off a list gives me a sense of completion, and makes me happy :)

So, my resolutions for 2012 are:

1. Reach goal weight of 100 lbs

2. Make a mini goal each morning, and accomplish it. (This could be diet-related, (eg. I will not eat white bread today), or completely random, (eg. I will message an old friend). No day will be wasted.) Write it down, and in a year look back at how much I accomplished.

3. Do a yoga/flexibility/stretching workout at least once a week.

4. Cut the binge habit.

5. Drink a glass of water with every meal.

6. Never, ever reward myself with food. (This year I had a bad habit of rewarding a successful fast with a big meal).

7. Never wear pyjamas/yoga pants/lounge wear/frumpy clothing out in public. I will always make an effort with my appearance, (that includes makeup/hair/clothing/accessories).

8. Improve my French. (This includes reading Notre Dame de Paris, a book I have been meaning to but have yet to "find the time" for).

9. Get a tattoo. (This has been on my list for a few years now. But I wont ever do it unless I resolve to).

10. Take a trip. Anywhere.

11. Learn to play another instrument. (This does not mean learn the keys. I mean get good a playing music with said instrument). Options, right now, include keyboard or penny whistle.

12. Don't ever waste a minute by watching television, playing online solitaire, wallowing in self pity, etc. Live life to the fullest, and become the girl I wish I were. Starting today, she is me!

2012 may be the year, but today is the day! Make it count, and have no regrets. Say to yourself what you want to be, and then do what you have to do.