be mine

Valentine's Day. Funny how this is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year. The day where you go out with your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/whatever, and have a lovely date. Give/receive flowers and tokens of affection. Of course, if you don't have a significant other, you are stuck wallowing in self-pity, and self-hate, and gorging on all the sugar and fat that is available at this time of year.

Thank you, backwards logic. How the fuck am I supposed to get thin, and be attractive, and love myself enough to let someone love me when in the meantime I eat my emotions, and stay fat?

Today was better than most Valentine's Days, though. Three years ago I ate half a Dairy Queen ice cream cake, (my best friend ate the other half), and drank enough vodka to sink a ship. Two years ago, I had a nacho and wine binge with the same friend, and ate a dozen toaster strudels. Last year, another binge. I remember going to Zumba afterwards and nearly throwing up during the warm-up because I had eaten so much. This year, no binges. Yes, I had a cupcake and a chocolate, along with my regular intake. Not complaining... promise. It made me feel better, and because I stopped there, I feel better.

Strange. I wrote that last line as though I have two parts to me - the part that wants to eat, and the part that fears food. (Who am I trying to kid? It's not strange, it's reality. This is a constant balancing act to please the two mes without falling to pieces).

Tomorrow: Diet. Restrict. Fruit. Vegetables. Clear fluids. Pilates. Studying. Happiness.