one step forward, two steps back

It is like I am destined to be miserable. Every time something happens to me that is good, I turn around and do something else to completely screw myself over. It's as though, subconsciously, I want to be miserable.

I had a job interview today. I was nervous, but it went really well. It is for a position as a baker at a summer camp. I really want the job. 2 months at a secluded campsite, room and board included, no family to make me feel inadequate. Dream job! I'll know in one or two weeks if I got it :)

Sadly, I screwed up my "everything is going super" high tonight. I went to Zumba as usual, and that was fine. When I was backing out of the parking lot, I heard someone beeping their horn. I wasn't sure what it was about so I stopped, and looked around, checked my mirrors, etc. About a minute passed, and nothing happened, so I assumed all was good. So then I started backing up and, of course, I hit a car that was RIGHT BEHIND ME! (Such an idiot!) I quickly pulled back in and parked the car, and the person behind me did the same. I got out and went over to apologize and check the damage. The woman got out of the car and started reaming me out, saying "Did you not hear/see me?" Well, of course I didn't see you, or else I wouldn't have backed up into you. I did hear you, but I didn't know who was honking and what for. I just wanted to apologize, and make sure that you and your car are okay. She was pissed, I could tell, but who wouldn't be? I just felt, though, that her opinion of me was that I am a total twit. There was no damage, (because I was going like 1km/h), but I offered her my number anyways. She didn't want it; said she would talk to her husband and that I would probably see her next week, so if there are repairs she will let me know then. (I guess she is in the dance class after me).

Actually, she was fairly good about it, except that I could tell she thinks I'm a total fool. I was upset at myself mostly. But then as I was walking back to my car I saw two of her friends looking at her, then at me, then at each other. I fucking hate women! I am sure as soon as I pulled away they started gossiping. They don't even know me! I am probably being unfair - I don't know them either - but I am a girl, too. And girls gossip, and they were no doubt gossiping about me. How I was probably texting, or listening to music too loud, or just a total bumbling idiot (none of which is true). And then, of course, they would start talking about how terrible young drivers are, and how the youth of today are ignorant and oblivious, and go on and on....

Okay, so they probably didn't say all that, and I am overreacting. But I can't help but beat myself up over making an obviously terrible impression on a person I will probably see again, but not socialize with, thus she will only ever see me as a the girl who backed up into her in a parking lot. Fuck my life.

wine and (no) cheese

Back in the groove of things, almost. Sometimes when I stop exercising everyday, I lose motivation to start again. No good. But I made myself go out last night to Zumba, and today I woke up and did an aerobics video. I like working out in the morning, because I am not awake long enough to talk myself out of it. But then I am always super hungry come lunchtime. But I resisted, sort of. I just had a bowl of lentil soup and a piece of pumpernickel bread. For dinner, I made myself some salad with grilled tofu and an apple. It was good, and I felt full, but then I had a bagel. I don't know why I did. I wanted it, I guess. But I wasn't hungry.

Today is the first day of Lent, and although I am technically Catholic, I don't actually practice the faith in any way. But I always come up with some plan for Lent. Really, it's just an excuse to give things up, or plan to live as a better person, I guess. Sort of a New Year's Re-resolution for me, since my resolutions have usually fallen through by now. Right. So here are my goals for the next 40 or so days:

1) eat vegan. (I pretty much do anyways, but there are times that I struggle. And they always end up being binges. So by being vegan, I avoid triggers).

2) no alcohol. (Unless I am going out dancing, or something. But it is just empty calories and makes me feel like hell. I promised that when I submit my wine essay I would get a bottle of Viognier to celebrate. It is due Good Friday, so Easter/end of Lent I will have a glass of wine).

3) no procrastinating with mindless eating. (Okay, it should be no procrastinating at all, but let's be serious, that will never happen. If I need a break from work, I can do a pilates video, or dance, or read a magazine, or paint my nails, etc).

4) no carbs for breakfast. (I mean like oatmeal, or cereal. It always makes me sluggish and more prone to overeat later in the day).

Basically, I just want to simplify my habits. I am tired of feeling obligated to eat.

pushed to the limits

It seems that no matter what I do, it still isn't good enough. And even if it is 100x better than the next person, it just doesn't measure up.

My mom has a knack for crushing my self-esteem. I got a 93% on my chem midterm. When she asked how I did, (she asked, I didn't brag), she treated me as though I could do better - should do better. And that I had better bring that mark up if I know what's good for me. Okay, so she didn't say that in so many words. But when I told her my mark, she gave me a look of cold pity, and said "Well. You passed, I guess." Passed. Passed? I passed with flying colours! Don't you dare try to take that from me!

Too late, I feel inadequate and useless. Once again.

For the past few days, too, she has been getting on my ass about doing schoolwork. Every time she sees me doing something other than studying, she says "Have you done everything that you wanted to today?" My answer is always "Yes". (I'm not stupid enough to say no). This is supposed to be my winter break! Why can't I just take a breather? On Sunday she asked if I was planning to do work every day this week. "Well, sure. Why wouldn't I?" "Oh, good." She says, "That means you have a plan". Alright, mom. Not sure why it affects you whether I have a plan or not. But okay. I really appreciate you controlling my life and hovering. Not.


I got my mark back today for a paper I wrote two weeks ago. Not happy with it. AT ALL. In fact, I cried. Not because I felt like I deserved better. (I did a little, but I have a similar one due at the end of the term so I will bring my mark up for that one). No. I was upset because I feared how my mom would react to it. Disappointment. Disgust. I don't want to face that. So I won't tell her. Not that it is any of her business, anyway. But when she asks, (she will), I wont tell her. I won't lie, I will just say that it is NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS.

***

Just got back from Zumba. Feeling much better. I didn't want to go. I was feeling lazy, as I haven't done any sort of physical activity since Thursday. But I did, and I'm glad I did. I got to yell and scream and dance all my angries out. Exercise is the best way to feel better. It takes your mind of of everything. It gets the endorphins flowing. And, unlike food, you don't feel like a guilty failure afterwards. (If only I could remember this before I eat next time). And then I went and bought a magazine. Nylon. Nina Dobrev is on the cover, (lover her).

I also read my feedback on the paper I did terribly bad on. Not as bad as I thought. I just didn't include the things I was supposed to, apparently. (It was a reflective essay. Not sure how there was a set of things to write about, since it was subjective, but whatever). Suffice to say, I can totally bring my mark up to awesome next time.

Sorry for the novel. I will cut it here. But I will be back tomorrow night. Promise. I have big plans for a new diet tomorrow.

siiiiiick

Yes, life. You know me so well. I just love it when you put a brick wall in front of me when I am running full tilt. Getting sick in the middle of midterms is the best!

Actually life, that was sarcasm. I want to die. I feel like somebody drilled a hole through my head and dropped a house on me. I would love to curl up in bed and sleep for a week. I would love to drink tea all day and not have to do anything. Not even think. Sadly, I have two midterms tomorrow and a paper due this weekend that I have yet to even think about doing.

Could this have not happened next week, I wonder? It is, after all, my winter break. In fact, I was planning to be sick, (assuming that the stress I have built up would make it inevitable), but apparently I couldn't last another 4 days. No, instead I will suffer during these last few days, and then feel better by next week so I can be obligated to work on my final papers for my courses.

One step at a time. By Sunday, this will all be over. I hope.

be mine

Valentine's Day. Funny how this is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year. The day where you go out with your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/whatever, and have a lovely date. Give/receive flowers and tokens of affection. Of course, if you don't have a significant other, you are stuck wallowing in self-pity, and self-hate, and gorging on all the sugar and fat that is available at this time of year.

Thank you, backwards logic. How the fuck am I supposed to get thin, and be attractive, and love myself enough to let someone love me when in the meantime I eat my emotions, and stay fat?

Today was better than most Valentine's Days, though. Three years ago I ate half a Dairy Queen ice cream cake, (my best friend ate the other half), and drank enough vodka to sink a ship. Two years ago, I had a nacho and wine binge with the same friend, and ate a dozen toaster strudels. Last year, another binge. I remember going to Zumba afterwards and nearly throwing up during the warm-up because I had eaten so much. This year, no binges. Yes, I had a cupcake and a chocolate, along with my regular intake. Not complaining... promise. It made me feel better, and because I stopped there, I feel better.

Strange. I wrote that last line as though I have two parts to me - the part that wants to eat, and the part that fears food. (Who am I trying to kid? It's not strange, it's reality. This is a constant balancing act to please the two mes without falling to pieces).

Tomorrow: Diet. Restrict. Fruit. Vegetables. Clear fluids. Pilates. Studying. Happiness.

just this once could be the start of forever

I ate dinner after Zumba as usual, but for the first time, like, ever, I didn't overeat! Usually when I get home from fitness class I am starving, and I eat everything in sight. And I use the fact that I just burned a ton of calories as an excuse. It's not really a binge. Well, maybe a mini-one. I only eat slightly more than a normal person would, but I never feel full. Only when  I leave the kitchen does it hit me. The fullness, the guilt, the self-loathing. Not today, though. When I got up this morning I promised myself I would practice self-control, and for once I came through.

I feel strange, but in a good way. My body is confused but my mind is clear, (usually it is the other way around).

Control is rare right now. I am in the middle of midterms, which means that for the next eight weeks I am under massive school pressures. Midterms, then papers, then finals. Plus keeping up with notes and labs. All the while trying to get thin. Impossible, it seems. Sometimes I convince myself that I should eat normally, because I need the brain food to do well in my classes. But then I eat garbage, and feel bad, and mope, and then do no schoolwork anyways. I think I am using food to procrastinate. It needs to stop.

I will not procrastinate by eating. I will not procrastinate. Schoolwork can't be as hard accepting failure and defeat! Nothing is that hard!

bake off = weight on

I went shopping yesterday, and it had its ups and downs. Actually, mostly ups. First of all I bought a really nice new coat. Its black (I know, I know, but it was also 50% off). I love it, and it's super warm. I also tried on some jeans, against my better judgement. Size 26 was their smallest size, and they were too big. Which is awesome! But also shitty, because they were really nice jeans and I obviously wasn't going to get them if they didn't fit. Oh well.

Today I went to Toronto to a vegan bake off. It was super fun. You had to buy a plate with five samples of desserts, and then rate them. I had a gluten-free sample and a cake/bars sample. Both delicious, and just bite size too. (Yeah, it added up to like two desserts, I guess. But it was all in good fun, so I am not going to read into it too much. Plus it was all vegan, which means no butter or eggs!) I also went out to lunch at a vegan place in downtown T.O. I love their menu. They have like a million kinds of smoothies and juices, but I didn't want one because I was ordering a meal, too. I ended up having a small bowl of buckwheat soba noodles with curried chickpeas and sunflower sprouts, and some grilled cornbread with flax hummus. Sooo tasty. Thank goodness I only go to Toronto like once a month, so I can be good on my diet every other day.

Speaking of once a month, I measured yesterday, and I am definitely smaller! I am still 108 lbs, but I think I am toning up too, (and muscle, as we all know, weighs more than fat). My waist is about the same, but love handles are down like 2 centimeters, as are my boobs! And my index finger is a few millimeters smaller, too. Loving it!

My mom kind of ruined my feel-good high yesterday, though, by saying that I'm looking healthy. "You're not skinny, you're toned and fit. You look rested." I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Is she referring to be being heavier that I used to be, or the same but more muscular? I have no idea. And then today when I told her I was giving away my old winter coat, (from several years ago), she said "Yeah, I guess you won't be needing it unless you become huge again". Woah woah woah! I was never huge... was I? Sometimes people just don't think before they speak.

But speaking of reasons to lose weight, I am going to a wedding in June!!!!! My friend from college, who I lived with for a summer, is getting married. (I like to think that I set up the relationship between her and her fiance). I am so excited, weddings are the best. Plus this one is in the Maritimes, so I get a holiday out of it, too. And Maritime weddings are double the fun! (God I hope it's an open bar).

I wish I was getting married, if just to shop for dresses.

it's that time of the month

It's February, and you know what that means? Progress report! Except that it is Wednesday and I am too tired and lazy to weigh and measure myself. So I am putting it off until Friday (which is my usual weekly weigh-in anyway).

I started taking a picture of myself at the beginning of each month back in September. I thought that it would let me see my progress better. (I always feel the same size even if I lose 10 lbs. It is impossible to see a difference in my appearance when I am with myself 24/7). As it happens, though, I still don't notice much difference. Thus, starting in January I have been taking measurements of various body circumferences each month. (I have only done this once, I guess, but whatever). This way, even if I can't see a difference, I will have physical proof of change. And if there is not change, it will be a kick in the ass to get working and lose the fat! (Actually, it will make me massively depressed and want to eat my sadness. But after I rationalize and pick myself up, I will get working and LOSE THE FAT!)

I am really looking forward to Friday now. Excited, even. Fridays are usually pretty awesome, anyway. I only have two classes. And I always treat myself to coffee. (Yeah, I know. Lame. But I can't drink coffee too often because a) it messes with my insides and b) it gives me a similar high to dope, and I don't want to become tolerant and lose the high. Friday chem class just wouldn't be the same if I wasn't spacey). I am also going shopping in the afternoon! I have been meaning to go to this shop downtown for a few weeks to look at winter coats. Right now I have a snowboarding coat, which I have had for like 6 years. It's nice and warm and all, but I don't snowboard. Nor have I ever. I really want a hot pink coat. Or a Canada Goose parka. Or a girly pea coat, (but I am too short and think a pea coat would look silly on me). The store is having a huge sale on winter stuff, so I am going to check it out. I might look at jeans, too. But I hate jeans shopping. I always feel like a whale. Dresses, then.

p.s. stillimagining you are so lovely! when my mind is spinning and losing control, reading your comments always put things back into perspective. xo