big fat confession

I need to fess up... I am a fat whale.

I gained a bunch of weight over the Christmas holidays and I have been pretending that I didn't. Sorry! I feel like a phony. And a failure. 

I was 106 lbs before the break, and on New Year's it was 115. (So embarrassing! It is taking so much effort to admit to this!) I didn't let it get me down, though. (Well, maybe a little). I thought it would just come back off really quickly, as if it were only water weight. (9 lbs of bloat, who was I kidding? Myself, obviously).

Okay. So that is my big, fat confession. Now here is my skinny one. I am back down to 108 lbs!

So now I sound like Little Miss Snobbish. I don't mean to. I just want to admit that I lied to myself. That I couldn't admit that I broke down. That I gained. But also that I am not going to pretend anymore.

The world won't take me seriously if I don't. 

keep on keeping on

I want to go to bed. I need to go to bed. I need sleep, even though I have been getting at least 7 hours a night, lately. What is wrong with me? I think I am just stressed. My brain is going a mile a minute, constantly thinking of what all I still have to do, while my body is trying to catch up.

I am taking two distance ed courses this semester. I thought they would be easy, but they are taking up all of my time as I read through all of the resources and try to make notes. I say try, because I don't even know what I am supposed to be making notes about. I miss having a lecture to go to. To have a prof to teach the material. I suppose it wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't taking three courses at the university as well. But I am, because that is how the system works. 5 courses in 12 weeks, then do it again. I feel like every time I catch up on one week's work and notes, the next week is already half over. I am so stressed right now! Which is really strange for me, because I never get stressed. I think I dug myself a hole last semester by achieving such high grades. I set a standard that I am afraid not to measure up to.

On the plus side, my course work has put food on the back burner. Wayyy back. I used to fear mealtimes because I couldn't face the calories. Now I worry that any time spent eating is better spent making notes, or typing up papers. Not to say that I don't still fear the calories. Trust me, that will never change. I am thanking my lucky stars, too, that I don't snack when I am studying. Or stressing. I can't get any work done when I am eating handfuls of whatever I can get a hold of. It puts me in too relaxed a state of mind and I end up procrastinating.

It's wonderful how focusing entirely on schoolwork makes me forget about eating, though. And hunger. Haven't felt that in a while. I know that I can't keep this up, though. My body is telling me to stop. To breathe. But I can't, I have too much work to do. This is only the third week of the semester, too. I don't think I am pushing myself too hard. I am just not used to it. I am used to relaxing, and eating whatever the fuck I want, and not caring about what I look like, or what my goals are. Now my body is complaining.

TOO BAD! It's just going to have to deal with it, because I want this too much. I want to be thin, and I want to do well in school. Therefore time will be spent on studies. All of it. And being thin will just come along with it. Believe me, though, when I say that there will be times when I lost control. When a binge seems like the best option. But, as you are my witnesses, I know that it is never the best option. I must repeat this mantra always, so that when the time comes to walk away from temptation, I can. And will.

Success, confidence, and control are the best options.

feel like i'm walking on eggshells

Every few months or so, my mom decides she is going to have a mental implosion. Basically, she builds up this idea that we all hate her, and everything is her fault, and then she snaps and won't talk to anyone. What it is she thinks is her fault, I have no idea. She once told me that she feels like she has to hold everyone's life together for them. I told her that is ridiculous. That she is stressing herself out for no reason and no wonder her blood pressure is through the roof. I also told her that instead of walling up and being a frigid bitch, she should just speak up and tell people how she feels. Of course, she won't. But who am I to talk? I have never opened up about my eating problems.

Anyways, yesterday when I got home from class and tried to strike up a basic conversation, my mom starting giving me attitude, and spoke to be in a condescending way. I wracked my brain to think of what I had done wrong, but couldn't come up with anything. Turns out her and my brother had it off earlier, and she was still steaming. What their fight was about, I have no idea, but I am sure she blew it way out of proportion like always and made him feel like an ungrateful wretch. (I know because she does the same to me). Anyways, she left for the evening, which just made everyone feel worse. (At least this time she didn't rent a hotel somewhere and show up days later).

Later last night my one brother, (who had the earlier disagreement with my mom), came downstairs and asked if me or my dad could smell something burning. I didn't notice it at first, but then I could definitely smell it - dope. My other brother had decided to light up in his "room" (it's actually just the front room he is sleeping in until he finds an apartment... if he ever starts looking). What a twit. I have no issues with weed, I smoke it all the time, but not at my parents' house. I mean, come on! How dumb and disrespectful can you get? He knows damn well that they are against it. He is just so selfish and smug. Whatever. My dad lit into him. I don't think he told my mom though, (smart thinking, she would have lost it). I hope they ask him to leave. His presence stresses me out.

On the plus side, I have been hiding away in my room most of the weekend, (I'm too afraid to go near anyone in case I say the wrong thing and they explode), so I have not been eating all the time like I do most other weekends. Just focusing on my schoolwork, (which, by the way, is a total bore. I have to do a talk on the implications of using neuroscience as evidence in court cases on Monday).

I hope you are all doing well and staying strong :) I think I might give myself a pedicure later to cheer myself up.

don't get me down

Thursdays seem to be intent on defeating me. Seriously, today was ridiculous. First, I got on the wrong bus and had a 45 minute "scenic" tour of the city. (It was more a ride around housing developments). This, of course, made me late for class. My only class on Thursdays. Not that it mattered, though, because I never learn anything in psychology, anyway. The prof is a total flake, and he never focuses on the material, just goes off on tangents about chain-emails and newspaper biases. Needless to say, I was not concerned that I was made late, but that I went to class at all. Total waste of my time. Then, of course, I had to catch another bus home, which was 15 minutes late. By the time it showed up I was miserable and plastered in snow. At least I got on the right one this time.

I have a 20 minute walk from the bus stop to my house, which I usually don't mind. Today, however, it was really blizzardy, and walking up the side of a highway when cars cannot see the lines on the road is no fun. I called my brother to see if he could come pick me up, but he was just leaving for work, and he wouldn't. Seriously? It takes less than 5 minutes! What a jerk. Oh well, calories burned, right. Actually, more than usual because the snow was drifting up to my calves making it really difficult to walk, so it took nearly twice as long to get home. By the time I did, though, my legs were blistered and bleeding because my jeans were tucked into by boots awkwardly and were rubbing :(

I didn't let the morning get me down, though. I had Zumba to look forward too. But, of course, the weather kept getting worse and I ended up not going. I did, however, shovel the driveway, (which is bigger than I thought and snow is much heavier than I remember), so I got some exercise that way. And I did a 30 minute strength video, as well, so I am feeling pretty good about today, as far as calories burned go.

Calories in? Not terrible. I had a smoothie for breakfast, as usual. Coconut milk, mango juice, blueberries, and a banana. For lunch I had a big spinach salad with 1/2 tbsp tahini dressing. Mid-afternoon, I had an apple with some peanut butter. I eat this on the days I have Zumba, to give me enough energy not to pass out. I felt guilty, afterwards, though, which is when i decided to shovel. Good thing, too, because I didn't end up going, anyway. For dinner I had 1/2 cup gnocchi with some tomato sauce, and more salad. And a handful of roasted pecans.

I think my intake is a little high, but as far as Thursdays go, this one went well. My self-control usually starts to go downhill at the end of the week. This is the time of mindless eating for me. Fridays and Saturdays, I start the day well, but I end up snacking later because I feel relaxed and comfortable, being the weekend and all. Sundays are a total right-off, because I have already screwed up my diet the last two days. And then the cycle begins again on Monday. My goal this weekend, though, is to really stay in control. One day at a time. I really want to avoid mindless eating/snacking, and eating out of boredom. It is not really binging, but it is not healthy or necessary either. I think I have figured out my triggers, which is a start. This weekend, if I can focus on only feeding my body when it is hungry, and with nourishing things that it needs, even if my intake is a little high (1200 cals max), I will be happy.

yo yo diet

Why do I bother eating at all? I don't enjoy it. I hate when people see me eat. I hate eating around people because I hate watching them eat. And after I eat, I feel like a fat whale. So seriously, why do I even bother?

This is not necessarily a rhetorical question, but if you are waiting for an answer, I don't have one.

I keep telling myself, "It's okay to eat this big bowl of oatmeal , or spoonful of peanut butter. It's okay because you are still committed to losing weight and you will, eventually, be thin." Riiiight. My fat ass I will. It's like saying I am committed to conserving water as I let the taps run freely. I am either committed, or I am not. YES or NO. So which is it?

YES!!!! YES YES YES! Is there any other answer? But I need to do more than just state it, because it has clearly gotten me nowhere. I need to act on it, with conviction. No more of this "Oh, you will be thin, but since right now you are still a fatty you can eat it." Writing that down it doesn't even make sense. Every time I slacken the reins on my self control I fall behind schedule. I negate progress. EVENTUALLY has become NEVER.

Not any more. Now every time I don't eat lunch, or I drink an extra glass of water, or I run an extra mile, I will tell myself that I am that much closer to my UGW. And every time I have another bite, or put sugar in my coffee, or skip a workout, I will have ruined any progress. This plateau is my own doing. I am yo-yoing day by day, and it needs to stop.

These are the things I want. That I dream about. But it will take effort, I know that. So why do I keep telling myself eventually?

does happiness come in a diet variety?

I had so much that I wanted to write here this past weekend, but then my internet was down. And then I forgot what it was that I wanted to post. Bummer. Well, I sort of remember it, but I am not nearly as motivated, or inspired, or excited about all the thoughts and insights that were spilling from me on Saturday. I will try, though.

I always feel as though I am running out of time. Or maybe that I am not using my time as efficiently as I should.  I want to see results. I want to be thin. I want to not eat today and wake up to see between my thighs tomorrow. I know that is completely unrealistic. I know that it takes time, and work. So why I keep finding myself running my hands over my ribcage, wondering why I can't feel them any more prominently than yesterday? Or an hour ago, for that matter? And then I start to convince myself that I shouldn't be so miserable, and self-hating. That I should enjoy the moment I am in, and stop projecting so much of my energy into future maybes. I say maybes because enjoying the moment means letting go of my control, eating garbage, and forgetting about my goals, apparently.

WEIGHTLOSS = RESTRICTION and CONTROL  = OBSESSING ABOUT FOOD = MISERY

There must be another way. A better way.

 But maybe there isn't. And if that is the case, then I need to start adding little bits of sunshine-y happiness to my daily grind, so that the misery is balanced by bursts of, hmm, wonderful? (YIKES. Sounds like I am the ad campaign for a soda pop on ecstasy). Like today. I made myself a cup of mint tea and listened to disco. It was nice, and suddenly I didn't feel quite as hopeless. Yay for endorphins not induced by chocolate. All the feel-goodness, none of the calories!

Classes started on Monday, which is good. I have a much better schedule this semester. Lots more walking, less sitting around on campus waiting for my next class, and no night classes! I want to procrastinate less, too. Listen to me, I'm such a hipocrite! I complain about not having enough time, and yet I openly admit to wasting it! Sigh.

a new coat of paint

The first three days of 2012 have already been better than the last three weeks of 2011. My thoughts are much more focussed now, which is reassuring. Last week I was so scattered; it felt like I was making ten million decisions at once, but that I was ten different people, too. I couldn't figure out what I wanted, and was acting out of impulse. Very bad. Somehow, though, I have been glued back together. Must be the shiny new year motivating this change.

Anyways, I posted a few new pages today. They are mostly just links to workout videos. I am an addict to working out, (of course, you wouldn't know it if you saw me). I also posted my routine. If nothing else, it is a succinct program for me to stick to, and a bold reminder not to give up.

I hope you are all having a good start to the new year!

xo

resolutionary road

It's January 1st again, and we all know what that means! The end to holiday parties and eating, and NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!!! Until a few years ago, I never bothered to think up any resolutions, but now I am all about it. I think it is important, if not to make goals, but to have something to gauge your personal progress on at the end of the year. Actually, I don't think I look at my list for the full 365 days. Just before making new resolutions, I read my old ones, and see what I have accomplished, and what I need to revise, or what I don't even care about anymore.

This time last year I was in a real state. I hated my job, my living situation, and I had made a huge promise t myself to lose weight. Over the year, I had some ups and downs, as expected. I may not have reached my goal weight, but I proved to myself that I can. And this year I will.

But besides reaching my goal of 100 lbs by this time next year, I have made some other resolutions. I usually like to mix small, material accomplishments with broader aims. Physically checking something off a list gives me a sense of completion, and makes me happy :)

So, my resolutions for 2012 are:

1. Reach goal weight of 100 lbs

2. Make a mini goal each morning, and accomplish it. (This could be diet-related, (eg. I will not eat white bread today), or completely random, (eg. I will message an old friend). No day will be wasted.) Write it down, and in a year look back at how much I accomplished.

3. Do a yoga/flexibility/stretching workout at least once a week.

4. Cut the binge habit.

5. Drink a glass of water with every meal.

6. Never, ever reward myself with food. (This year I had a bad habit of rewarding a successful fast with a big meal).

7. Never wear pyjamas/yoga pants/lounge wear/frumpy clothing out in public. I will always make an effort with my appearance, (that includes makeup/hair/clothing/accessories).

8. Improve my French. (This includes reading Notre Dame de Paris, a book I have been meaning to but have yet to "find the time" for).

9. Get a tattoo. (This has been on my list for a few years now. But I wont ever do it unless I resolve to).

10. Take a trip. Anywhere.

11. Learn to play another instrument. (This does not mean learn the keys. I mean get good a playing music with said instrument). Options, right now, include keyboard or penny whistle.

12. Don't ever waste a minute by watching television, playing online solitaire, wallowing in self pity, etc. Live life to the fullest, and become the girl I wish I were. Starting today, she is me!

2012 may be the year, but today is the day! Make it count, and have no regrets. Say to yourself what you want to be, and then do what you have to do.