happy halloween

I find that when I step on the scale and see my weight I think to myself, "Why don't I weigh less?", but when I am living and eating the way I do, I marvel that I am not 100 lbs heavier. I am stuck in a 4 lb fluctuating plateau that I can't break through and as much as I want to lose weight, I can't seem to commit to it. Where did that voice inside my head telling me to just say no go? I want her back!

I went downtown last night dancing with some friends. We dressed up for Halloween. I was a dinosaur, and it was amazing. I had so many random people coming up to me asking me to take a picture with them. It was a really hot costume, though, and I think I sweated half my body weight on the dance floor. I am really dehydrated today. I have drank at least 2L of water, and haven't peed once. Weird.

I am wearing the costume on campus tomorrow, too. I am writing a midterm so it will be pretty silly. I think I might go to a party tomorrow night too, with the same people I went dancing with last night. They are a fun time, so I want to go, but I have class at 8:30 am Tuesday morning, and I can't miss it. And my last class ends at 10 pm, so I don't really want to be hungover for a 14 hour school day.

because self-loathing has drowned out my voice

flashback

Have I told you yet how much I love aerobics? No? Well, then. I LOVE aerobics! There. Now you know. I have a massive library of aerobics DVDs that I never tire of, and are sooo much fun. Kathy Smith has gotten me through many a calorie purge, (I love that woman). I also take a Zumba class twice a week. If you haven't heard of Zumba, you had better get on it because it is super fun. It's basically a dancercise class that mixes Latin with modern music and burns a ton of calories. Plus you get to yell and scream and shake your ass and no one cares!

Tonight I am going to my Zumba class, and because Halloween is next week and I can't make it to class Tuesday, I am dressing up tonight in the most flamboyant workout getup I can find and pretend it is 1980! I'm so stoked! I have a black bodysuit with hot pink tights, white socks with blue stripes at the top, black sneakers, a side pony tail, and a headband. It will be a riot, especially because no one else in the class is dressing up.

is "failure" synonymous with "whale"? because I am a big one

Ugh! Why am I such a massive failure? I blame weekends, and their complete lack of consistency and schedule. During the week I am fine. I go to school at least 8-10 hours of the day, during which time I have classes and have to study. I am not near a kitchen, or pantry, or fridge, and I am broke so I have no money to buy food. Just a few cents a day to buy hot water for tea. Weekends, on the other hands, are the worst. I usually try to fast on Saturdays, because I don't feel like working out. This week, though, I caved at lunch and ate a bunch of roasted veggies and lentil loaf, and topped it off with a danish. (It wasn't even a decent danish, so I have no excuse). I guess my subconscious took that as an OK for eating shit the rest of the day, because that is exactly what happened.

But these things happen, though, right? Of course right! I can't expect to completely change my habits and behaviour without a few relapses now and then. Just focus on the success that will be tomorrow. At least that is what I told myself on Saturday night, and I sort of remembered my pep talk on Sunday morning. I had a strawberry smoothie for breakfast, about 100 calories, and I had planned to have only an apple for lunch, and nothing until dinner. Oh, and to do an hour of cardio. I got halfway through my workout and I completely lost interest. I was in a miserable mood and not even exercise was making me feel better. (What the hell is wrong with me?) Then for lunch I had a wrap with fried rice and vegetables... and a huge bowl of cereal. I didn't eat too much at dinner, and was happy with that, except for the medium Skor Blizzard I ate afterwards. (Please provide your most disapproving faces here).

I need a change. A big one. I need help, and I need to stop letting myself do this.

small success

I am so happy with how the past week went. I stuck to my goals like glue, and feel so accomplished. (I realize that the goals I set were not very big, or difficult, but it is little successes like these that make me think that I will be able to accomplish my weight loss goal, too).

I am going to continue to focus on these goals this week, and add a few more:

1. Do not eat between meals. Not even a bite of celery. Nothing. Just breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

2. No prepackaged, processed foods. This means snacks, cereal, and drinks, but also includes things like peanut butter and ketchup. (Exceptions are things like almond/soy milk, and Sol burgers).

3. If I have the urge to eat, I will stop whatever I am doing and do something completely different to keep my mind occupied. I will put on some music and dance, check out clothing online, clean something. Anything to stay in control.

I like making these little goals because they are manageable, and even if I am still the same weight, I feel like I am moving ahead. Oh, by the way, I weighed myself on Friday morning and I am 107!!!!! That means I lost 2 pounds in a week. I can totally do this.

mixtape

I wish it was still the 90s, and mixtapes were a primary form of communication. Recording music onto a cassette, planning the order so that each song transitions to the next seamlessly. It has become a forgotten art. Forgotten, but not lost, and I have made it my goal to master the art of playlist making. Check out the right >>>>>

Awwww yeahhhh.

Every Saturday I will be posting a playlist of songs that are on repeat in my head. Try to listen to them in order, as I have tried to organize them in a meaningful way. (Let's be serious, this first one no doubt sounds like a mishmash of noise). But I don't care! These mixtapes will be the soundtrack to my life, and what life isn't a total mishmash?

no thanks Thanksgiving

Well, this weekend was a total bust. I think that I built up some seriously unrealistic expectations and had some major let downs because of it. First, let me talk about Friday. I was really looking forward to going out drinking with my friends and planned to eat very little all day, but I ended up binging on pizza before I went out. I consoled myself by thinking that it was better to be drinking on a full stomach, and from experience, pre-drink pizza is usually a safe bet. I've never had a bad night after eating pizza for dinner. I just wish I had stopped at one slice.

Anyways, I went to my friend's place and proceeded to get thoroughly blitzed. L wasn't there :(. Apparently he bailed last minute to hang out with some girl, and apparently they are in some weird relationship limbo where he really likes her but she is really aloof about her feelings. I don't know, and I have decided that I don't care, either. I am over him, (not that I was ever under him). I don't know him that well, so it seems a little ridiculous to be obsessing over him. There was another guy at the party who was hitting on me all night. He's a nice guy and all, but just as a friend. He has a girlfriend, too, (she wasn't there), so it was definitely a little weird. He has been texting since Friday night, and I'm not sure how to shake him off. I usually ignore these ones, and it has been working up till now. Hopefully he loses interest.

In all, Friday night was a pretty good time. I got drunk, rode a Ferris wheel, and woke up in a familiar place. What more could I wish for? Maybe a perfect Saturday of fasting, as per usual? Only if life was fair, which it isn't. Got home early, and proceeded to eat the biggest, greasiest breakfast of eggs and cheese on toast that I could manage. And I basically kept eating garbage all day, and watched movies while laying on the couch. I also drank a ton of OJ, and I never drink juice. No, being hung over is not a valid excuse. I could have at least attempted some form of self control. Ugh, I'm so disappointed in myself.

Yesterday wasn't much better, being Thanksgiving and all. I had planned to fast so that I could have a regular feast, but I ate breakfast and a big lunch. And then I had a big dinner anyways. *Sigh.

Today, however, was great. I had an apple for breakfast, 1 c of spinach salad for lunch, and a little bit of leftover veggies from dinner last night. I made a sincere promise this morning not to binge until Christmas, (and that doesn't mean that when Christmas hits it's a free-for-all). I am really going to change my habits. I am going to focus on a controlled diet, and shed some weight. Every week I am going to come up with some goals to focus on, too. This week's goals:

1. Do not binge

2. Do not eat past 7:00, (8:00 on Thursdays and Saturdays when I have a late dinner)

3. Breakfast = 1 apple and green tea (I find that if I start my day off right, I work harder not to screw it up the rest of the day).

I know I can do this. I want to be in control again. And these goals are easy, I'll be embarrassed if I fail at them, giving me even for incentive.

f-off mother nature

So guess who arrived last night to ruin my weekend? That's right, my monthly friend. I hate getting my period, especially when I'm not expecting it for at least another week, and especially when I have plans that do not include feeling more fat and bloated and grumpy than usual. I'm pretty sure I just had it, like, 2 weeks ago. What the hell? Maybe it's making up for the 6 months that I missed back in the winter, (oh how I wish I was still underweight...)

Oh well. I am not going to let it ruin my night, or entire weekend for that matter. Tonight I am going out with my friends, and L will be there, and I will have a good time. A great time even. I weighed 109 lbs still this morning, which I am actually very pleased with. Usually when I have my period I gain at least 3 lbs, so I don't feel too fat. Plus I did a serious cardio workout this morning, so my metabolism is up, I am energized, and I don't feel like a lazy shit. Epic night, here I come!

back on track

Back down to 109 lbs this morning, thank god. I have probably been eating about 1000 cal/day this week, but that's a really rough estimate. I don't really count calories because

a) I just can't be bothered, and

b) if I did I would be stressed out every second

My philosophy is that if I fall asleep hungry, it was a good day.

This week has been moving at a snail's pace. I feel like it should be Friday, but it's only Wednesday. And yet, when I look back on the past 2 days I haven't really accomplished very much. Maybe my brain is just slowing down because I refuse to feed it carbs. Hmmmm.

I did have 1/4 cup of oatmeal for an afternoon snack though, with an apple and some raisins and peanuts. It was wonderful, I won't lie. And I already feel more perky, which is good because I have a three hour class tonight until 10 and I won't get home until 11, so I need energy.

goal for the week

So apparently if I don't eat, I gain weight? How disappointing. I weighed this morning and I'm 110 lbs. That's only 1 lb up, but it is another that I have to lose which totally sucks. I'm hoping it's just water weight or something and that by next weekend the numbers are back down.

This coming week is looking good for calorie restriction, so I'm excited. I have a midterm tomorrow, but I'm not nervous or stressed so I am not worried about stress eating, which I usually do when I study. I'm at school every day too, so I can not eat without having anyone to explain myself to anyone. I want to be at MOST 108 lbs by Friday. I'm going out with friends on Friday and I have to feel skinny. (Is that wrong?)

Happy October

So today is the first day of my favourite month! October is always pretty good to me. The weather is awesome, and scarves, boots, sweaters, and mitts can come out of hiding. (I looove fall accessories). There's Thanksgiving, which is usually the only family holiday that doesn't end up in tears/hostility. Plus Halloween is in October, which is pretty much an epic time every year. I still haven't figured out what I want to be. I'm waffling between a two right now: Poison Ivy, or Jem (from Jem and the Holograms). I really want to be Jem, but to get it perfect I'd want to dye my hair pink, and a) I have no money, and b) that would be a serious adjustment. My hair is naturally red, hence the Poison Ivy idea.

I was planning to weigh in today, and take a progress picture, (I am doing one at the start of each month), but I'm too bloated because I drank too much beer last night (gross). I will take one tomorrow instead, because I am fasting today. I like fasting on Saturdays because I don't feel like exercising and I can just drink tea and study.