demotivational speech

Thursday mornings I volunteer with a snack program at an elementary school. It is run by university students in the nutrition program and we go prepare healthy snacks for kids around the city. All the money is raised through fundraising so it is free for them. Anyways, today my partner was sick so it was just me, which was nice. I prepared hummus and pitas and cucumber slices. Not very difficult, and I was done earlier than usual which would be okay but then I had over an hour to kill before my lecture. So I decided to walk to campus instead of taking the bus. (Actually, I wanted to walk because I had eaten a piece of pita that I felt guilty about and needed to burn off. 17.5 calories. Shocking, I know). It took about forty minutes to walk there, but it was raining so not as enjoyable as I hoped, but I bought a tea when I got there and went to class.

The weather has been miserable lately. It poured rain all morning, and now it is snowing. Oh wait, it changed back to rain. *Sigh. I have no desire to do anything today, least of all go to my aerobics class. But I will, because if I don't I will regret it, and I have no real excuse not to. And I know that when it is over, I will be feeling awesome and energized and accomplished. Plus I get to wear my new workout top. Well, it's just an old t-shirt that I cut up, but it is super cute :)

But I would much rather wrap myself in flannel pyjamas and blankets and do nothing for the rest of the day. That would be nice. Instead, I will sit here and pretend to do homework, freezing my tits off. Maybe I should move somewhere warmer...

on one condition...

Today in my psych seminar we were discussing applying animal training techniques on people. Seems a little strange and manipulative, right? Not really, if you consider that raising a child is essentially the same thing. Rewarding and punishing behaviours is the basis of child-rearing. Anyways, we got to talking about conditional and unconditional love of children, and the pros and cons of each. For the most part, we all agreed that unconditional love can create a child without a structured lifestyle and goals, but at the same time conditional love is really stressful for a child, and failure becomes something to fear.

I used to think that my parents love me unconditionally, but after today I realize that it is definitely a conditional love situation. They only show me affection when I do something that they approve of, or feel is appropriate - like getting good marks or being thin. My mom, especially. She is living vicariously through me. She is far from thin, (apparently she used to be, but I have never seen proof), but she calls me fat or says there is "a lot of me lately". Whenever I eat, she judges me. She is constantly asking me what I am eating. (I doubt that she wants the recipe, I mean, seriously! What does it matter to her whether I am eating a grape or a bowl of oatmeal? How is it any of her damn business? Do I ever ask her what she is eating? Of course not!)

Basically, I have been trained to believe that thin is best; thin = happiness, approval, support, and my parents' love. But I don't want my parent's love! Not any more, now that I realize they only love me if I am asocial and self-hating, because that is exactly what they have reduced me to!

This doesn't change anything, though. I still want to be thin. I am still going to be thin! I am going to continue to resent my parents - just now I understand why I do a little better.

Today's intake was okay, I guess.

Breakfast: 1 cup pineapple, 10 grapes
Lunch: 1 cup spinach salad
Dinner: 1 cup pasta salad, 1 cornmeal muffin, 1 orange

Oh yeah. Tonight at dinner I watched my mom eat. Full plate of food, (pasta salad, potatoes, pork schnitzel), then she went back for more potatoes, then ate an onion bun, and cake. It was revolting and depressing at the same time. Is that what I look like when I stop caring? Note to self: don't give up.

w.e

Saturdays are usually productive for me, but today was particularly so. I often wake up around 8 am, (don't ask me why I don't sleep in...I wish that I could :( ), and then spend the whole morning doing as much schoolwork as possible, because I usually slack off in the afternoon. But today, I just kept going! I did an online chem lab, finished my Intro Foods notes, did my online discussions, revised my psych essay, studied wine, and finished my annotated bibliography. (Sorry to bore you with the list, but it feels so good to see it in writing!) Oh, and I did laundry.

If only Saturdays could be as successful, food-wise. I have been slacking off. Not binging, mind you, but not paying attention to my intake and thus am at a plateau. And, of course, I am striving to prevent any gain by exercising like a madwoman. (Except not really). But its so annoying! The point of me exercising is to help my wait loss! Not prevent weight gain! Sigh*

On another note, I still hate my brother, C. Why he has to be such a petty twerp, I will never know. Today, my parents went out to look at flooring. They bought a property recently and are planning to build a house, so they have been travelling around looking at flooring, and cabinets, and stuff. Anyways, they ordered some hardwood flooring today, and are going to install it themselves - well, us kids will help them, to be sure. I made a joke that we will all have enormous biceps after working the nail gun when installing the floor. We were all laughing, and then C snidely remarked, almost under his breath, "Actually, just three of us will." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? (Okay, so I know what it means. He thinks that my mom and I will do fuck-nothing while he, K, and my dad install the floor). Seriously, though? Why does he have to be so petty, and cruel. He does it on purpose - makes me feel bad and guilty, I mean. Whatever, I'm not letting him get to me anymore. He has said enough, and at one time I believed him of my "worthlessness", but not anymore. I don't respect him in the least bit.

p.s. stillimagining, thanks for the congrats! I am so excited to go, and to talk to people with accents all the time. (Actually, I can't wait to hear them tell me I have a Canadian accent. That'll be too weird!)

time for a (ex)change

A few weeks ago I applied to go on a university exchange next winter. I had to write an essay as to why I should be chosen, list references, rate my top three choices of where I wanted to go, etc. My top three choices were: 1) Aberdeen 2) Massey University in New Zealand, and 3) Oxford Brookes. I picked these because they have really good nutrition programs, an I want to take courses that will transfer to my program here. Anyways, I got an offer today, and.....(drum roll please)....

ABERDEEN! I am going to Scotland next January!

It hasn't really sunk in yet. I mean, it is nearly a year from now. But I am thrilled to pieces!

There is so much to do until then, too. Flights, accommodations, course selection, finishing both this semester and fall semester here in Canada, summer work. At least I will be busy, even if I am ticking the days off the calendar in eager anticipation.

It was funny, actually. When I picked up my acceptance package today at the Center for International Programs, the girl at the desk asked me if she could videotape my reaction to my acceptance. "Umm.... no?" That would have been too weird, especially because I am not overtly emotional, ever. I probably would have looked totally uncomfortable, and fake. Instead I stuffed the package in my bag and went to Starbucks and got a soy Green Tea latte - unsweetened, of course. And then I sat down and read my acceptance letter - much more my style :)