rain rain, go away

Stuck in the library for the day. I am not even considering venturing outside, its raining so hard. Probably for the best, I have been neglecting my studying. (Two weeks and exams will be done, and then I can have nice holiday and regroup).

My evenings have been nice and relaxed lately. Now that I am not writing papers, I can slow down. Just me, a mug of hot tea, and a movie. Oh, and knitting of course. I need to keep my hands busy. (Better knitting than food). I finished my mittens, too. I decided not to re-knit them, because it would take too long and I had already washed them once, so they would turn out all wonky. Heres a picture:

They are a little loose, but I don't care. They do the job. They aren't meant to keep me warm in the dead of winter, anyway. They are more for autumn weather. I am finishing up a scarf right now, and then I will be starting a pair of proper, thermal mittens. Just in time for winter.

I finished watching Nancy Drew last night (the one with Emma Roberts). She is so adorable! I love just love her! (Emma, not Nancy). Here is some inspiration featuring her loveliness, Emma Roberts:

loose ends

I went to the market this morning and stocked up on some fresh veggies. Lots of eggplant and apples. I love the market, except that there are always those annoying new-age parents with their massive strollers and take up way too much space, and run over your toes, and believe that they deserve special treatment and that crowds should part in their presence. If I ever have kids, I will not be pushing them around in a mini SUV. And as soon as they can walk, they will be. But other than that I love the market, especially the sunflower sprout guys. The one the soo attractive, he just has to look at me and I will lay down $10 for a pound of sprouts. (I try to avoid them now, because they are milking me).

While I was downtown, I went to the tea store as well. I am almost out of all my teas, so I stocked up. I got a vanilla black tea, blueberry rooibos, prickly pear green, and a cinnamon ginger herbal. They have so many kinds, it is impossible to choose. I will just have to drink these and get some more. They also sell bubble tea. I have never had it, but have always wanted to. Maybe before the new year I will get some. But what kind? There are so many flavours!

This afternoon I went to the library. It was a beautiful day, so I decided to walk. (And I wanted to burn some extra calories, its about 3 km one way). I borrowed Forget Me Knot, by Sue Margolis. Its a bit of romantic fluff. I am a real sucker for romance novels (cheesy, fluffy, romance novels, mind you). I love the classics, especially Jane Eyre, but I wanted something modern.

I think tonight I am going to take it easy. I was invited out dancing, but I sort of feel like shit, so I am taking a pass. Instead, I might throw on a movie and knit. I am making a pair of mittens. (Actually, I already made them but the one started unraveling, so I am just going to re-knit them. They are soo cute, I will post pics when they are done). I'll start reading my book, too. I can never fall asleep on weekends, so I stay up half the night doing things, like homework. I don't know why. Maybe I am just less active than during the week? Or I feel unproductive? It's stupid. Weekends are supposed to be a break from the stress of the week, but I am always at loose ends.

right back at ya

I am officially done this semester except for exams. I handed my last assignment in this morning, and it feels awesome! This semester was hard not to starve/binge. I spent a lot of time on campus during the day, and would bring just some vegetables to snack on and lots of green tea bags. I was fine until I got home and, realizing I was famished and having free access to a stocked fridge, managed to undo all the good I had accomplished during the day. I had a hard time getting used to eating for brain fuel, too. I am used to working, not writing papers, and you need a totally different energy status for that. I didn't want to sacrifice grades to be skinny, but I also didn't want to sacrifice my weight goal, either.

In all, though, I am pretty satisfied with this first semester. My grades are excellent, and I have lost almost 10 lbs since September. But my eating habits have really suffered, which is my next task to master. In the next month or so, before my next semester starts, I am going to regain control over food. How? By getting active, and doing things. Setting goals. Living life. I am going to stop whiling away my time, counting the minutes before I can eat again. Not anymore. Now, in any free time, I will be reading, learning, writing, seeing, doing, making, LIVING.

I am taking back my life. It is about time I told food to shove it, (lord knows how many times food has told me to).

I weighed in this morning, and I am back down to 106 lbs! (Last week I was 110, which was a major blow, but I totally deserved it). 105 by next Friday? I think I can, I think I can...

autumn, i'm falling for you

Today is November 21, which means there is exactly one month until winter! Which also means that there is exactly one month let of my favourite season! Oh how time does fly.

Here are but a few of the many reasons that I love autumn:

• scarves, boots, tights, hats, mitts. bundling up in a cute kind of way; not a trampling through 2 meters of snow kind of way
• the first snowfall
• walking through piles of leaves and making them crunch as loud as possible
• short days. I love when it is dark by the time I get home from uni
• tea! it is finally cool enough to justify tea

Today is the perfect November day, in my opinion. Sunny skies, but still cold enough to see your breath. Lovely. Peaceful. And motivating.

From now until winter I will be winning this battle. I don't want to waste my last month of autumn feeling like a fat failure. I will celebrate the season by being happy and calm. And my reward for a successful end to autumn? WINTER! (My second favourite month).

next up: tomorrow

I had another one of those Friday nights. You know the ones, when after a long week a cold beer is the most inviting thing. Yeah... its was a good beer, which is great. It should be. But it should not be permission to eat 3 muffins, a veggie burger, and sweet potato fries for dinner. Okay, I won't blame the beer. It didn't say: "Have another, it's no big deal." No. That was all me.

CLEAN SLATE!

Tomorrow will be wonderful, I promise. In fact, I swear to it. Cross my heart.

Wake up early.

Breakfast: apple, green tea.

Walk Oscar (my miniature wiener dog).

Go to the market and stock up on veggies. Lots and lots of veggies.

Go to Chapters and buy magazines. Nylon and Vegetarian Times.

Maybe get a latte at Starbucks. MAYBE.

Lunch: a salad; take the time to make it perfect.

Write paper.

Dinner: more veggies.

Make kale chips.

Watch a movie.

Go to sleep happy, and guiltless.

I want tomorrow to be calm. I need to be calm. I have to much work to get done to waste time trying to hold my thoughts together. No, tomorrow will be great. And so will the next day. And the day after. But tomorrow first.

Wednesdays are weird. I always plan to get a ton of school work done. Like, nose to the grindstone style. But I always end up procrastinating, and whiling away my time doing a load of nothing.

Today was no different. I woke up at 8 am and did my workout, and then I did next to nothing until 2pm when I had to go to class. And by nothing I actually mean wandering aimlessly around my house, playing mahjong on the computer, and obsessively checking my phone. What is wrong with me??? Oh well, once I was at school I hunkered down and got my paper written. It only took about an hour, which is good since I wasted about 5 this morning. Something about being at home makes my motivation hit the floor.

I think I need a hobby, or at least something productive to do when I'm not being productive on my coursework. For now, looking up pictures online will have to suffice.

Now, I would love to look like the girl in this last picture when I study. But I am a lazy cow. *Sigh

11/11/11

Yesterday was perfection - almost.

I woke up early, feeling completely rested. I had an apple and a big mug of green tea for breakfast, as usual. Then I had a really good workout. I did an aerobics video, while listening to Metric. Wonderful.

Later in the morning, I went to the cemetery for a Remembrance Day ceremony. It was lovely. We had a two minute moment of silence, during which time it started to snow - first time this season. It was such a beautiful, peaceful moment.

I didn't eat lunch.

In the afternoon, I went to the university for my nutrition and chemistry lectures. Between classes, I bought a coffee from Starbucks, (Christmas blend, of course), and I studied psychology while drinking it. I was sitting near some boys, and I could hear them talking about me. All good things, of course. They kept looking at me, and every once in a while I would catch their eye to embarrass them. It was so funny! They all left but one, and he and I kept sneaking looks. He was really cute. Tall, dark, bearded, (loooove beards). We didn't actually say anything to each other, but you could cut the tension with a knife. Self-esteem = wayyyyyyy up.

I got take out Thai for supper. Veggies, and rice noodles, and peanuts, and mint. Wonderful.

The awesomeness ended there, though. At around 9 pm I started having side pain. Major side pain. It felt like a knife was slicing through my ribs and tearing into my lower back. I have never felt that intense of pain before. It was my kidneys, for sure. I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep because the pain was so intense. And then my circulation was fucking up. My right arm kept going numb, it was really scary. But I woke up alive today, so I am apparently no worse for wear.

As a whole, though, I wish every day could be like yesterday. It was lovely.

positive relationship

So I have realized that as my weight goes down, so does my social life. And the opposite is true: when I gain weight, I start to be more social again. Or maybe when I start being more social, I start to gain weight. Either way it does not make me happy. Do I have to give up my goal of thinness to have relationships?? Hope not.

But wait. What about the relationship I have with myself and my eating habits? I think that my relationship with this disorder is the most stable I have had in years. It is actually scary how much better it is than any relationship I have every had, romantic or platonic. Maybe it is because this relationship is with myself, I am in complete control of both sides. I see all perspectives in question, and I can communicate really well with myself. (No, I do not talk to myself, at least not in a psychotic way. It's more of a running narration of my thoughts and reasoning). I can foresee a major problem, though. If I fuck up really badly. If I start losing control, I have no one to fall back on, and I will sink deeper into self-hate and drift even further from relationships with real people.

just breathe

I realized something this weekend. I no longer get irritable when I haven't eaten in a while, or very much. When I do eat, especially overeating, it is a different story. It is so weird. I used to be such a brat if I was hungry, literally snapping at anything and anyone. Now I am really calm and subdued. And happy. My thoughts are slower when I am hungry, which is good. My mind is not racing; I am in complete control. Of course, I lose that control when I eat, which leads to overeating. I hate the feeling, but it is something that I need to work on. Goal for the week: breathe.

roller derby

I woke up this morning from the worst sleep ever, but the most wonderful dream. I could not get back to sleep, (not that I really wanted to), which is why I am sitting at my laptop at 7 am on a Saturday morning. I dreamt that I signed up for Timbits hockey, as a 21 year old. At the last minute, I bailed because I felt I was too old, but also a terrible skater and would slow the other children down and be the worst player on the team, (thank you dream logic). Instead I joined up with a skating class, that apparently was not held on ice but in a room in bare feet. I decided that I would wear my roller skates to the class, so that it would be more like skating. (I actually have roller skates, but am terrible at skating). I kept ramming into everyone else in the class, and rolling over their feet, but I felt that I was getting a ton better. I was kicked out of the class, though, because I was disrupting everyone else's learning. As I left the class, I ran into two girls on my city's roller derby team. I told them how much I wanted to be part of the team, and they were so supportive that I got my shit together and trained over the winter to try out for the team in the spring. The training day came, and it was the weirdest thing ever. I had to run barefoot through this bizzarro obstacle course that was more like a madhouse than anything. (What is up with this dream and doing things barefoot?)

Anyways, I woke up and I realized that if I ever want my dream of being on the roller derby team, I had better get my shit together and train for it to happen. The problem is, I live in a northern climate, and we are about to get a dump of snow for the next 6 months, which foils my plans of training outdoors. I also live in a really hilly area, which is impossible to learn how to skate in. I need to find a place indoors, like a church basement or something, but I do not know anyone. Plus my family and friends are probably the absolute least supportive people when it comes to this goal of mine.

I have decided to write a letter to the derby team. I could e-mail them, but I think a letter in writing would be so much cooler. Everyone likes getting mail. Plus I can cover it in awesome doodles and things. I am not too sure what to say, either. "Hi, I think you are awesome. How can I be as awesome as you?" is a little too groupie-ish. I will work on it. I also need to figure out a derby name. If you ladies are not familiar with derby, every girl comes up with a nickname for herself, that is sexy/fearsome, like Malice in Wonderland, or Scarlett Bitch, but it absolutely must be original. I have no clue what to pick as mine, but I am going to signmy letter as it. Any suggestions?

family matters

Here are some pictures of me in my dinosaur costume! And yes, the night was just as ridiculous as the getup.

I didn't end up going out on Monday night. I think I was asleep by 10? I was still recovering from the weekend, and I had an early class on Tuesday, (which I almost missed because I overslept anyway).

My brother moved to town yesterday, and I don't know how I feel about it. He has been living out east for 2 years, (albeit I lived with him for the first one). I love him to bits and we have a lot in common and get along really well, but he can be a really ignorant prick sometimes. Not last Christmas but the year before, he brought me to tears by essentially calling me fat. I cried in private, of course, and I told my mom what a dick he was. She said she would deal with it, but the next time he said anything like it she laughed and looked at me with those "oh so judgmental and condescending eyes" of hers. He has gotten better, though, (and I have lost a ton of weight, not that I was overweight to begin with). When I flew out to visit my brother in the summer his first comment was, "Geeze you are thin". (Ha!)

I guess that I am not worried he will judge me and make me feel bad about my weight. I just feel pressured to prove myself. And to keep losing weight and not gorging myself around him. I need him to see me as a strong person, (and thin of course). His being here is motivation, yes. But any small failure is going to take a huge toll on my self-esteem and sense of control. I love that he is here, but I hate what that does to me.