So I have realized that as my weight goes down, so does my social life. And the opposite is true: when I gain weight, I start to be more social again. Or maybe when I start being more social, I start to gain weight. Either way it does not make me happy. Do I have to give up my goal of thinness to have relationships?? Hope not.
But wait. What about the relationship I have with myself and my eating habits? I think that my relationship with this disorder is the most stable I have had in years. It is actually scary how much better it is than any relationship I have every had, romantic or platonic. Maybe it is because this relationship is with myself, I am in complete control of both sides. I see all perspectives in question, and I can communicate really well with myself. (No, I do not talk to myself, at least not in a psychotic way. It's more of a running narration of my thoughts and reasoning). I can foresee a major problem, though. If I fuck up really badly. If I start losing control, I have no one to fall back on, and I will sink deeper into self-hate and drift even further from relationships with real people.
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