does happiness come in a diet variety?

I had so much that I wanted to write here this past weekend, but then my internet was down. And then I forgot what it was that I wanted to post. Bummer. Well, I sort of remember it, but I am not nearly as motivated, or inspired, or excited about all the thoughts and insights that were spilling from me on Saturday. I will try, though.

I always feel as though I am running out of time. Or maybe that I am not using my time as efficiently as I should.  I want to see results. I want to be thin. I want to not eat today and wake up to see between my thighs tomorrow. I know that is completely unrealistic. I know that it takes time, and work. So why I keep finding myself running my hands over my ribcage, wondering why I can't feel them any more prominently than yesterday? Or an hour ago, for that matter? And then I start to convince myself that I shouldn't be so miserable, and self-hating. That I should enjoy the moment I am in, and stop projecting so much of my energy into future maybes. I say maybes because enjoying the moment means letting go of my control, eating garbage, and forgetting about my goals, apparently.

WEIGHTLOSS = RESTRICTION and CONTROL  = OBSESSING ABOUT FOOD = MISERY

There must be another way. A better way.

 But maybe there isn't. And if that is the case, then I need to start adding little bits of sunshine-y happiness to my daily grind, so that the misery is balanced by bursts of, hmm, wonderful? (YIKES. Sounds like I am the ad campaign for a soda pop on ecstasy). Like today. I made myself a cup of mint tea and listened to disco. It was nice, and suddenly I didn't feel quite as hopeless. Yay for endorphins not induced by chocolate. All the feel-goodness, none of the calories!

Classes started on Monday, which is good. I have a much better schedule this semester. Lots more walking, less sitting around on campus waiting for my next class, and no night classes! I want to procrastinate less, too. Listen to me, I'm such a hipocrite! I complain about not having enough time, and yet I openly admit to wasting it! Sigh.