resignation to the end

Three days. Three days, and I am done exams, done with this horrible semester. Seriously, these last three and a half months have been so stressful, but not because of school. Not really. I kept my grades up, maybe not as well as last semester, but I am proud of my work. Besides, I did a ton more extra-curricular this semester, which tied up a lot of my time for studying. No, this semester was stressful because of my family, and because I was blaming them for my failing, (albeit in my head - I never said any of this). Failing self-control, failing not being lazy, failing interpersonal skills (because apparently I have been a frosty bitch since January). But this week I realized that I was just using them as a scapegoat. Sure, they may trigger unhappiness and self-loathing, but it is ultimately my decision whether I let them get to me and if I give up my self-control. I can't control them, but I can control me.

The problem is, I wish I could control them, especially my brothers, because their behaviour stresses me out. They personify my pet peeves. C is fat and lazy, two things that I never want to become. (Too late?) And as hard as I try to change that, he won't. Of course, I never really believed that he would pick up his slack and diet, but a girl can wish. Basically, I translated my failure of changing his to my failure of changing myself, and accepted defeat. I gave up.

I think what bothers me most is that C is well overweight. He really needs either to eat less, or do something active. No, "working" 40 hours a week is not good enough, and don't start telling me you are exhausted. You don't know what exhausted means! (Sorry, rant). But yea, I cannot wait to move out, (2 months!). Until then, I will be ignoring him. I have been doing that lately, and it works. It makes me feel like he is not there, and I can focus on my own life, not his.

Today I am studying wine all day. The exam is tomorrow afternoon, and I cannot wait until it is over. I'm not terribly concerned, but it is essay-style, meaning that I have to really focus during the two hours and organize my thoughts, and put those into writing. I have a hard enough time phrasing my thoughts for this blog. Oh well, I know the material. I wanted to study outside, its looks so nice and sunny, but there is frost everywhere this morning. Right now it is about 0C, and it is only getting up to 12 this afternoon. *Sigh. Soon it will be summer with temperatures over 40 and I will be wishing for this kind of weather. Always wanting what I don't have.