always been scared of the sea

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle right now. I can't figure out what I want. I am spending too much time trying to make up my mind, and end up eating too much in the meantime, which just makes it so much harder to stay focussed and believe in myself. But then I don't berate myself about it the way I would have a few months ago. What has changed? Do I just not care anymore. Have I given up hope? No. I'm just in a comfortable place right now and I am afraid of moving forward.

So what do I want? I mean, REALLY want?

1. To be skinny! Yes, this is a definite.
2. A gap between my thighs, prominent collar bones, (have those), tiny arms, a flat stomach. (These all go hand in hand with #1)
3. Confidence. In my body. In my work. In my life.
4. To be in control.

Okay, so it is not really a question of what I want. I know what I want. But all of these things take work, and commitment, and focus. Things that I lack right now. I think that the real question must be why I am not taking action, and the initiative to achieve these goals. Why do I list the things I want but do nothing?

I don't want to say it is because I am a lazy shit, but it might be part of the issue. No, I don't sit on my ass all day and do nothing. I am very active, just unproductive. I work out for at least an hour daily. I go out with friends. I clean the house. But living in this way, this "active" way, is not enough. And it is clearly not enough to keep my mind and self occupied for a long enough time not to dwell on past failure, worry about future disappointment, and break the promises I have made to myself. I need goals. I need drive. I need to be physically working at something that consumes me so completely that I forget everything else. School did that for me, sort of. But it is not enough. Plus, I am off for 3 weeks, so I am at loose ends right now.

I don't know :( I need something to work towards. Something in addition to a bangin' body.

What makes this feeling of dreamy do-nothingness is that it is right in the middle of the holiday season. There is so much food around, and none of it good. Just comfort food, which makes me feel complete for a short time and then the feeling goes, and I reach for another cookie. I keep saying to myself that it is only for a few weeks, and then when New Years comes, it will be like last year and you will gain this magical can-do attitude and be amazing and lose a pound a week. But then I also want not to feel weak for these two weeks, especially around so much family, to who I am trying to prove myself a strong and beautiful woman. Why must life be so difficult?