preparations

What is is about suddenly having money and needing to spend it? ALL of it? I feel like I have been on a non-stop shopping spree for the past week, with no end in sight. It is wonderful on the surface, but I have this horrible nagging guilt in the back of my mind that won't go away.

Where did my sudden income come from, you ask? Well, income tax returns and student loans, of course. All semester I have been living on, like, five dollars a week, but I just got a bunch of government cheques in the mail, and now I am loaded. (Well, not really, but in comparison to normal I am). Yes, I should save it for tuition and my exchange, but I can't help but buy things. It must be in my genes, (specifically the XX of my 23rd chromosomes :P ).

Today I went shopping at Garage and bought a ton of stuff. I got some really cute booty sweatshorts and some tanks, and this awesome lime green hoodie. I don't usually shop there, (it's sortof a pre-teen store, but w.e.), but I need basics right now, because I start work next Friday!!!!! I am so excited! I got offered another job for May and the start of June, cooking at a summer camp for the work crew as they set up the camp for the summer. Basically, I am making meals for 25 university aged guys for six weeks! It will be hysterical, I am sure.  In my down time, (which I will have lots of because the meals are super easy), I get to help them paint and stuff. And, of course, I get to go canoeing and hiking and all sorts of things. Did I mention this is on an island, too? Sadly, northern Ontario is still cold at this time of year, and the lake will be frigid. There is internet access, though, so I will definitely update as often as I can. (Which might not be that often, and not long posts either, since I will only be taking my iphone with me :( But I will definitely keep up with everyone!)

I think what I will miss most when I am away will be aerobics and Zumba. But I am planning to take up running. Seriously planning to. And I bet a bunch of the guys at the camp will join me, so I will have workout buddies :). The camp that I will be working at from June to September has a trail race every Thursday, which I will be doing as often as I can.

I won't be able to weigh myself for, like, 4 months though, which is unheard of (a little frightening, actually). I will be taking a measuring tape with me, to keep track of myself, and to not let myself go. But honestly, I think when I come back in the fall there will be a huge difference, seeing as how a) I won't be able to binge, ever and b) I will be running/canoeing/swimming/playing frisbee/etc./etc. all summer.

I am going to weigh in on Thursday, the last day before I leave. I haven't for several weeks. I know I have been maintaining around 110 lbs, which is a drag, but I have been bored and this week was a total bust. However, all the clothes a bought today were XS, and they fit nicely (aka no muffin top!)

some new things

This has been such a weird weekend. I guess it hasn't hit me yet that I am on my summer holidays. It will tomorrow - Monday but no schoolwork to do. (Yayy?) Yea, I am thrilled that I am done school. I need a break. But now I am going to have a month and a half before I start my job :S I can do whatever I want, which is awesome, but I think I would rather have an plan/schedule/itinerary. I need goals, and to be able to check things off a list. Otherwise I feel like I am not accomplishing anything, just drifting day-to-day.

On the other hand, maybe I will be really productive for the next few weeks. This weekend was productive. On Saturday morning I cleaned. Bedroom, bathroom, house, swept, vacuumed, washed. Then in the afternoon I made a purse. Well, a clutch. It's really cute, here is a pic :)

I like to sew, but only when I have nothing else to do. It's kind of weird, I guess. But it keeps me busy, which is a bonus. I actually didn't eat on Saturday until dinner :) But then I went out for dinner and had a veggie burger and fries. And two pints of beer (*sigh). Whatever, at least I reminded myself that I can avoid food for a day :)

Today was okay. This morning I did a tae bo workout, which was hilarious. I felt ridiculous, punching and kicking and looking like a total twat. But I was so sweaty by the end of it. Definitely worth it :) I think it is my new go-to workout when I need a kick in the ass to motivate me. I went shopping this afternoon, too. For shoes, of course. My converse, which I have had for five years now, are full of holes. I mean, my feet practically go through the bottoms. So I went and bought a new pair. Navy blue, which is exactly what I wanted. Then I also got this pair of orange Keds boater shoes, because they were too adorable not to buy.

It was sunny today, but not very warm. Hopefully the weather picks up soon. I want to go for a run without freezing my lungs. (Actually, I don't really. I hate running. Maybe I will hike instead. There are some nice trails near my place...) I hope everyone had a lovely weekend, and sorry for the rambling post. I drank a ton of wine at dinner :( and now my sentences are really short or really long, but not making much sense either way :P

resignation to the end

Three days. Three days, and I am done exams, done with this horrible semester. Seriously, these last three and a half months have been so stressful, but not because of school. Not really. I kept my grades up, maybe not as well as last semester, but I am proud of my work. Besides, I did a ton more extra-curricular this semester, which tied up a lot of my time for studying. No, this semester was stressful because of my family, and because I was blaming them for my failing, (albeit in my head - I never said any of this). Failing self-control, failing not being lazy, failing interpersonal skills (because apparently I have been a frosty bitch since January). But this week I realized that I was just using them as a scapegoat. Sure, they may trigger unhappiness and self-loathing, but it is ultimately my decision whether I let them get to me and if I give up my self-control. I can't control them, but I can control me.

The problem is, I wish I could control them, especially my brothers, because their behaviour stresses me out. They personify my pet peeves. C is fat and lazy, two things that I never want to become. (Too late?) And as hard as I try to change that, he won't. Of course, I never really believed that he would pick up his slack and diet, but a girl can wish. Basically, I translated my failure of changing his to my failure of changing myself, and accepted defeat. I gave up.

I think what bothers me most is that C is well overweight. He really needs either to eat less, or do something active. No, "working" 40 hours a week is not good enough, and don't start telling me you are exhausted. You don't know what exhausted means! (Sorry, rant). But yea, I cannot wait to move out, (2 months!). Until then, I will be ignoring him. I have been doing that lately, and it works. It makes me feel like he is not there, and I can focus on my own life, not his.

Today I am studying wine all day. The exam is tomorrow afternoon, and I cannot wait until it is over. I'm not terribly concerned, but it is essay-style, meaning that I have to really focus during the two hours and organize my thoughts, and put those into writing. I have a hard enough time phrasing my thoughts for this blog. Oh well, I know the material. I wanted to study outside, its looks so nice and sunny, but there is frost everywhere this morning. Right now it is about 0C, and it is only getting up to 12 this afternoon. *Sigh. Soon it will be summer with temperatures over 40 and I will be wishing for this kind of weather. Always wanting what I don't have.

flashback

Okay, so I am halfway through watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and it is most excellent. Haha. Seriously though, young Keanu Reeves is such a better actor than modern Keanu. (Sweet November was the hardest movie to sit through). I have been watching 80s movies on youtube lately, in between study sessions - mindlessly watching the Brat Pack act out paper thin plot lines is the best way to de-stress. And I can't believe how big the hair was back then! I know that is overstated, but its so true! I watched Teen Witch for the first time a few days ago and it is hysterical. Seriously, if you don't watch the whole movie at least look up the "Top That" scene. Sums up the era nicely.

I wish I lived in the 80s as a teenager -if not for the stereotypes, then for the fashion. I know it all seems so over the top now, but at the time dressing in tutus and scrunchies was just natural. Now, if you are not wearing lululemons, tna hoodies, and uggs, you are given dirty looks, (at least that's how it is on campus). I actually made a bunch of scrunchies today, deciding that they are now cool (fashion is subjective, right?) 

In other news, this has been the longest week in the universe, but I have done hardly anything except study and eat. When will it end?!? (Next Friday, I guess, seeing as how it is my last exam). I am just so tired. I want to get back on a reasonable diet, with daily exercise, but right now I am just so focussed on studying for finals that I can't have my thoughts consumed by hunger or food all the time.

It really hasn't been all bad, though. No crazy binges, no doubt because I haven't been starving myself. I guess I have reached an equilibrium? (Not good though; equilibrium = plateau). I have two more exams to write, Wine on Thursday and Psychology Friday. Wine will be the hard one, because it is essay format; as in, I actually have to be able to apply what I learned, not just recall it when prompted for multiple choice. I'm sure it will go well, though. Besides which, in a week it will all be over and I will be on to bigger and better, (okay maybe just different), things. Volunteer work for a month, then camp for three! I really need a break from my family, (and they no doubt need one from me). I have been such a moody bitch lately. A few days ago I was slicing and apple and my brother asked what I was making and I literally snapped at him. (I tend to get annoyed when people ask me what I am eating. Why is it any of their business? I never pry into their eating habits, do I?) Usually I just shrug it off, but I went off on him. Needless to say he has stopped prying for the time being.

Anyways, I am going to finish the rest of the movie and go to sleep, hopefully. Its almost midnight here, and I have been up since 6 because my Chem exam was this morning. So glad that's over. (Seriously. Saturday morning exam? Who do they think we are, robots?) I want to start posting regularly here again, but I just don't know what to write. I feel so uninspired and uninspiring right now.

I look back at where I was a year ago and I wonder why I let myself become so disinterested in living actively and losing weight. I want my old self back :( 

study bunny

Easter Sunday. Ugh. This actually is, by far, my least favourite holiday of the year. Well, the whole Easter weekend, really. A four day weekend is usually a good thing, but my family always has a huge fight on the Friday and then its four days stuck at home in a hostile environment with nowhere to go.

Okay, I say that my family fights, but its really just my mother who initiates it. She will say some stupid thing, or take something the wrong way, and blow the whole thing out of proportion. Like last year. She was having issues with her mom, and she blamed us, her kids, for it. She kept saying that it was out fault, and when she asked for ideas on how to fix the relationship with her mother, we would give her some strategies which she would throw back at us and proceed to tell us that we don't care. Riiight. Needless to say, last year was terrible. She also left that night, got a hotel room somewhere, and basically disappeared for a few days. Very mature, mom. And all this after I asked her not to ruin Easter by fighting.

Oh well, this year is looking up for once. There have yet to be any disagreements; its like any weekend, I guess. Except that I want to strangle my brothers, (so yeah, it's like any other weekend).

I have been studying all weekend. I have an exam tomorrow morning, and another on Tuesday morning. I'm not too worried, but I am bored silly and you know what that means: eating out of boredom and the need to keep my hands busy. Not a good situation, at all. Today I will be busy, though. I am cooking dinner for my family. Ham, and scalloped potatoes, and cake. All things that I will not be eating. I have decided to make myself a massive salad with falafel. I am really excited, actually.

Sadly, the Easter Bunny came last night and left some chocolate for me. :( I had the most disgusting urge to eat it all for breakfast, (what is wrong with me!?), but I had a banana and some almond milk and chia seeds instead. I am going to do a workout this morning, too. Then its back to the books.

excuses, excuses

Wow. It has actually been, like, forever since I have posted anything. Yes, I am still in the upright position, although at times I marvel that I actually survived these last few weeks. Saying that I have been stressed just doesn't cut it. More like manic depressive - except not really, just in my head.

For the last month I have been working on school work, and doing little else. I am so worked up about getting decent grades that I am no longer interested any of my lectures. I have just been going through the motions of school, handing in assignments, writing midterms... I feel like I have wasted this entire semester being lazy. Okay, not really lazy, but very, very unmotivated. And in between lectures and work, I have done hardly anything productive. I think I use most of my spare time on either tumblr, or watching murder mystery shows on TV. I could be doing so much more with my time, (my life, really). Where did the girl with all the plans, the motivation, the ideas, go? Apparently my lack of initiative and interest scared her off.

And then there is the food issue. No, I have not given up entirely and let myself go. I am still at this plateau of mine. I don't mind, really, because this last month has been a bit of a (read: an enormous) write-off. I managed to maintain my weight, so I don't feel like a complete failure. On the other hand, food still consumes my thoughts at all times. If I am not eating, then I am thinking about what and when to eat next. Basically, I have conditioned myself to food and weight loss. In every situation, my thoughts turn to food or being thin. I am like one of Pavlov's dogs: ring a bell and I will immediately start counting calories, or planning my next workout or meal. It is maddening, and my head is constantly spinning with these thoughts. I hate this cycle, and I need to break it. But, like any bad habit, that takes commitment and motivation - both things that I have been lacking in the last while.

On the plus side, this is the last week of the semester. Four more days, (three since today is basically over). Then two weeks of exams. Then another six weeks before my summer job starts. (I got the job at the summer camp, btw! I am so excited. It is in a really secluded spot up north, and its an all boys camp ;) Okay, okay, the oldest campers are sixteen - but then there are the councilors, who will be closer to my age so I will have some guys to go into town with on my days off for a beer or something). I am planning to do a bunch of volunteer work during May to keep myself busy before then.

This week, though, I am starting again. I am trying to cleanse all the crap that I put in my body during March. Fruit, veggies, legumes, tea, and water. I want to be at most the same weight I was when I started school back in September - and it is looking good. No freshman 15 for me, thanks.