flashback

Okay, so I am halfway through watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and it is most excellent. Haha. Seriously though, young Keanu Reeves is such a better actor than modern Keanu. (Sweet November was the hardest movie to sit through). I have been watching 80s movies on youtube lately, in between study sessions - mindlessly watching the Brat Pack act out paper thin plot lines is the best way to de-stress. And I can't believe how big the hair was back then! I know that is overstated, but its so true! I watched Teen Witch for the first time a few days ago and it is hysterical. Seriously, if you don't watch the whole movie at least look up the "Top That" scene. Sums up the era nicely.

I wish I lived in the 80s as a teenager -if not for the stereotypes, then for the fashion. I know it all seems so over the top now, but at the time dressing in tutus and scrunchies was just natural. Now, if you are not wearing lululemons, tna hoodies, and uggs, you are given dirty looks, (at least that's how it is on campus). I actually made a bunch of scrunchies today, deciding that they are now cool (fashion is subjective, right?) 

In other news, this has been the longest week in the universe, but I have done hardly anything except study and eat. When will it end?!? (Next Friday, I guess, seeing as how it is my last exam). I am just so tired. I want to get back on a reasonable diet, with daily exercise, but right now I am just so focussed on studying for finals that I can't have my thoughts consumed by hunger or food all the time.

It really hasn't been all bad, though. No crazy binges, no doubt because I haven't been starving myself. I guess I have reached an equilibrium? (Not good though; equilibrium = plateau). I have two more exams to write, Wine on Thursday and Psychology Friday. Wine will be the hard one, because it is essay format; as in, I actually have to be able to apply what I learned, not just recall it when prompted for multiple choice. I'm sure it will go well, though. Besides which, in a week it will all be over and I will be on to bigger and better, (okay maybe just different), things. Volunteer work for a month, then camp for three! I really need a break from my family, (and they no doubt need one from me). I have been such a moody bitch lately. A few days ago I was slicing and apple and my brother asked what I was making and I literally snapped at him. (I tend to get annoyed when people ask me what I am eating. Why is it any of their business? I never pry into their eating habits, do I?) Usually I just shrug it off, but I went off on him. Needless to say he has stopped prying for the time being.

Anyways, I am going to finish the rest of the movie and go to sleep, hopefully. Its almost midnight here, and I have been up since 6 because my Chem exam was this morning. So glad that's over. (Seriously. Saturday morning exam? Who do they think we are, robots?) I want to start posting regularly here again, but I just don't know what to write. I feel so uninspired and uninspiring right now.

I look back at where I was a year ago and I wonder why I let myself become so disinterested in living actively and losing weight. I want my old self back :( 

study bunny

Easter Sunday. Ugh. This actually is, by far, my least favourite holiday of the year. Well, the whole Easter weekend, really. A four day weekend is usually a good thing, but my family always has a huge fight on the Friday and then its four days stuck at home in a hostile environment with nowhere to go.

Okay, I say that my family fights, but its really just my mother who initiates it. She will say some stupid thing, or take something the wrong way, and blow the whole thing out of proportion. Like last year. She was having issues with her mom, and she blamed us, her kids, for it. She kept saying that it was out fault, and when she asked for ideas on how to fix the relationship with her mother, we would give her some strategies which she would throw back at us and proceed to tell us that we don't care. Riiight. Needless to say, last year was terrible. She also left that night, got a hotel room somewhere, and basically disappeared for a few days. Very mature, mom. And all this after I asked her not to ruin Easter by fighting.

Oh well, this year is looking up for once. There have yet to be any disagreements; its like any weekend, I guess. Except that I want to strangle my brothers, (so yeah, it's like any other weekend).

I have been studying all weekend. I have an exam tomorrow morning, and another on Tuesday morning. I'm not too worried, but I am bored silly and you know what that means: eating out of boredom and the need to keep my hands busy. Not a good situation, at all. Today I will be busy, though. I am cooking dinner for my family. Ham, and scalloped potatoes, and cake. All things that I will not be eating. I have decided to make myself a massive salad with falafel. I am really excited, actually.

Sadly, the Easter Bunny came last night and left some chocolate for me. :( I had the most disgusting urge to eat it all for breakfast, (what is wrong with me!?), but I had a banana and some almond milk and chia seeds instead. I am going to do a workout this morning, too. Then its back to the books.

excuses, excuses

Wow. It has actually been, like, forever since I have posted anything. Yes, I am still in the upright position, although at times I marvel that I actually survived these last few weeks. Saying that I have been stressed just doesn't cut it. More like manic depressive - except not really, just in my head.

For the last month I have been working on school work, and doing little else. I am so worked up about getting decent grades that I am no longer interested any of my lectures. I have just been going through the motions of school, handing in assignments, writing midterms... I feel like I have wasted this entire semester being lazy. Okay, not really lazy, but very, very unmotivated. And in between lectures and work, I have done hardly anything productive. I think I use most of my spare time on either tumblr, or watching murder mystery shows on TV. I could be doing so much more with my time, (my life, really). Where did the girl with all the plans, the motivation, the ideas, go? Apparently my lack of initiative and interest scared her off.

And then there is the food issue. No, I have not given up entirely and let myself go. I am still at this plateau of mine. I don't mind, really, because this last month has been a bit of a (read: an enormous) write-off. I managed to maintain my weight, so I don't feel like a complete failure. On the other hand, food still consumes my thoughts at all times. If I am not eating, then I am thinking about what and when to eat next. Basically, I have conditioned myself to food and weight loss. In every situation, my thoughts turn to food or being thin. I am like one of Pavlov's dogs: ring a bell and I will immediately start counting calories, or planning my next workout or meal. It is maddening, and my head is constantly spinning with these thoughts. I hate this cycle, and I need to break it. But, like any bad habit, that takes commitment and motivation - both things that I have been lacking in the last while.

On the plus side, this is the last week of the semester. Four more days, (three since today is basically over). Then two weeks of exams. Then another six weeks before my summer job starts. (I got the job at the summer camp, btw! I am so excited. It is in a really secluded spot up north, and its an all boys camp ;) Okay, okay, the oldest campers are sixteen - but then there are the councilors, who will be closer to my age so I will have some guys to go into town with on my days off for a beer or something). I am planning to do a bunch of volunteer work during May to keep myself busy before then.

This week, though, I am starting again. I am trying to cleanse all the crap that I put in my body during March. Fruit, veggies, legumes, tea, and water. I want to be at most the same weight I was when I started school back in September - and it is looking good. No freshman 15 for me, thanks.

demotivational speech

Thursday mornings I volunteer with a snack program at an elementary school. It is run by university students in the nutrition program and we go prepare healthy snacks for kids around the city. All the money is raised through fundraising so it is free for them. Anyways, today my partner was sick so it was just me, which was nice. I prepared hummus and pitas and cucumber slices. Not very difficult, and I was done earlier than usual which would be okay but then I had over an hour to kill before my lecture. So I decided to walk to campus instead of taking the bus. (Actually, I wanted to walk because I had eaten a piece of pita that I felt guilty about and needed to burn off. 17.5 calories. Shocking, I know). It took about forty minutes to walk there, but it was raining so not as enjoyable as I hoped, but I bought a tea when I got there and went to class.

The weather has been miserable lately. It poured rain all morning, and now it is snowing. Oh wait, it changed back to rain. *Sigh. I have no desire to do anything today, least of all go to my aerobics class. But I will, because if I don't I will regret it, and I have no real excuse not to. And I know that when it is over, I will be feeling awesome and energized and accomplished. Plus I get to wear my new workout top. Well, it's just an old t-shirt that I cut up, but it is super cute :)

But I would much rather wrap myself in flannel pyjamas and blankets and do nothing for the rest of the day. That would be nice. Instead, I will sit here and pretend to do homework, freezing my tits off. Maybe I should move somewhere warmer...

on one condition...

Today in my psych seminar we were discussing applying animal training techniques on people. Seems a little strange and manipulative, right? Not really, if you consider that raising a child is essentially the same thing. Rewarding and punishing behaviours is the basis of child-rearing. Anyways, we got to talking about conditional and unconditional love of children, and the pros and cons of each. For the most part, we all agreed that unconditional love can create a child without a structured lifestyle and goals, but at the same time conditional love is really stressful for a child, and failure becomes something to fear.

I used to think that my parents love me unconditionally, but after today I realize that it is definitely a conditional love situation. They only show me affection when I do something that they approve of, or feel is appropriate - like getting good marks or being thin. My mom, especially. She is living vicariously through me. She is far from thin, (apparently she used to be, but I have never seen proof), but she calls me fat or says there is "a lot of me lately". Whenever I eat, she judges me. She is constantly asking me what I am eating. (I doubt that she wants the recipe, I mean, seriously! What does it matter to her whether I am eating a grape or a bowl of oatmeal? How is it any of her damn business? Do I ever ask her what she is eating? Of course not!)

Basically, I have been trained to believe that thin is best; thin = happiness, approval, support, and my parents' love. But I don't want my parent's love! Not any more, now that I realize they only love me if I am asocial and self-hating, because that is exactly what they have reduced me to!

This doesn't change anything, though. I still want to be thin. I am still going to be thin! I am going to continue to resent my parents - just now I understand why I do a little better.

Today's intake was okay, I guess.

Breakfast: 1 cup pineapple, 10 grapes
Lunch: 1 cup spinach salad
Dinner: 1 cup pasta salad, 1 cornmeal muffin, 1 orange

Oh yeah. Tonight at dinner I watched my mom eat. Full plate of food, (pasta salad, potatoes, pork schnitzel), then she went back for more potatoes, then ate an onion bun, and cake. It was revolting and depressing at the same time. Is that what I look like when I stop caring? Note to self: don't give up.

w.e

Saturdays are usually productive for me, but today was particularly so. I often wake up around 8 am, (don't ask me why I don't sleep in...I wish that I could :( ), and then spend the whole morning doing as much schoolwork as possible, because I usually slack off in the afternoon. But today, I just kept going! I did an online chem lab, finished my Intro Foods notes, did my online discussions, revised my psych essay, studied wine, and finished my annotated bibliography. (Sorry to bore you with the list, but it feels so good to see it in writing!) Oh, and I did laundry.

If only Saturdays could be as successful, food-wise. I have been slacking off. Not binging, mind you, but not paying attention to my intake and thus am at a plateau. And, of course, I am striving to prevent any gain by exercising like a madwoman. (Except not really). But its so annoying! The point of me exercising is to help my wait loss! Not prevent weight gain! Sigh*

On another note, I still hate my brother, C. Why he has to be such a petty twerp, I will never know. Today, my parents went out to look at flooring. They bought a property recently and are planning to build a house, so they have been travelling around looking at flooring, and cabinets, and stuff. Anyways, they ordered some hardwood flooring today, and are going to install it themselves - well, us kids will help them, to be sure. I made a joke that we will all have enormous biceps after working the nail gun when installing the floor. We were all laughing, and then C snidely remarked, almost under his breath, "Actually, just three of us will." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? (Okay, so I know what it means. He thinks that my mom and I will do fuck-nothing while he, K, and my dad install the floor). Seriously, though? Why does he have to be so petty, and cruel. He does it on purpose - makes me feel bad and guilty, I mean. Whatever, I'm not letting him get to me anymore. He has said enough, and at one time I believed him of my "worthlessness", but not anymore. I don't respect him in the least bit.

p.s. stillimagining, thanks for the congrats! I am so excited to go, and to talk to people with accents all the time. (Actually, I can't wait to hear them tell me I have a Canadian accent. That'll be too weird!)

time for a (ex)change

A few weeks ago I applied to go on a university exchange next winter. I had to write an essay as to why I should be chosen, list references, rate my top three choices of where I wanted to go, etc. My top three choices were: 1) Aberdeen 2) Massey University in New Zealand, and 3) Oxford Brookes. I picked these because they have really good nutrition programs, an I want to take courses that will transfer to my program here. Anyways, I got an offer today, and.....(drum roll please)....

ABERDEEN! I am going to Scotland next January!

It hasn't really sunk in yet. I mean, it is nearly a year from now. But I am thrilled to pieces!

There is so much to do until then, too. Flights, accommodations, course selection, finishing both this semester and fall semester here in Canada, summer work. At least I will be busy, even if I am ticking the days off the calendar in eager anticipation.

It was funny, actually. When I picked up my acceptance package today at the Center for International Programs, the girl at the desk asked me if she could videotape my reaction to my acceptance. "Umm.... no?" That would have been too weird, especially because I am not overtly emotional, ever. I probably would have looked totally uncomfortable, and fake. Instead I stuffed the package in my bag and went to Starbucks and got a soy Green Tea latte - unsweetened, of course. And then I sat down and read my acceptance letter - much more my style :)