excuses, excuses

Wow. It has actually been, like, forever since I have posted anything. Yes, I am still in the upright position, although at times I marvel that I actually survived these last few weeks. Saying that I have been stressed just doesn't cut it. More like manic depressive - except not really, just in my head.

For the last month I have been working on school work, and doing little else. I am so worked up about getting decent grades that I am no longer interested any of my lectures. I have just been going through the motions of school, handing in assignments, writing midterms... I feel like I have wasted this entire semester being lazy. Okay, not really lazy, but very, very unmotivated. And in between lectures and work, I have done hardly anything productive. I think I use most of my spare time on either tumblr, or watching murder mystery shows on TV. I could be doing so much more with my time, (my life, really). Where did the girl with all the plans, the motivation, the ideas, go? Apparently my lack of initiative and interest scared her off.

And then there is the food issue. No, I have not given up entirely and let myself go. I am still at this plateau of mine. I don't mind, really, because this last month has been a bit of a (read: an enormous) write-off. I managed to maintain my weight, so I don't feel like a complete failure. On the other hand, food still consumes my thoughts at all times. If I am not eating, then I am thinking about what and when to eat next. Basically, I have conditioned myself to food and weight loss. In every situation, my thoughts turn to food or being thin. I am like one of Pavlov's dogs: ring a bell and I will immediately start counting calories, or planning my next workout or meal. It is maddening, and my head is constantly spinning with these thoughts. I hate this cycle, and I need to break it. But, like any bad habit, that takes commitment and motivation - both things that I have been lacking in the last while.

On the plus side, this is the last week of the semester. Four more days, (three since today is basically over). Then two weeks of exams. Then another six weeks before my summer job starts. (I got the job at the summer camp, btw! I am so excited. It is in a really secluded spot up north, and its an all boys camp ;) Okay, okay, the oldest campers are sixteen - but then there are the councilors, who will be closer to my age so I will have some guys to go into town with on my days off for a beer or something). I am planning to do a bunch of volunteer work during May to keep myself busy before then.

This week, though, I am starting again. I am trying to cleanse all the crap that I put in my body during March. Fruit, veggies, legumes, tea, and water. I want to be at most the same weight I was when I started school back in September - and it is looking good. No freshman 15 for me, thanks.