keep on keeping on

I want to go to bed. I need to go to bed. I need sleep, even though I have been getting at least 7 hours a night, lately. What is wrong with me? I think I am just stressed. My brain is going a mile a minute, constantly thinking of what all I still have to do, while my body is trying to catch up.

I am taking two distance ed courses this semester. I thought they would be easy, but they are taking up all of my time as I read through all of the resources and try to make notes. I say try, because I don't even know what I am supposed to be making notes about. I miss having a lecture to go to. To have a prof to teach the material. I suppose it wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't taking three courses at the university as well. But I am, because that is how the system works. 5 courses in 12 weeks, then do it again. I feel like every time I catch up on one week's work and notes, the next week is already half over. I am so stressed right now! Which is really strange for me, because I never get stressed. I think I dug myself a hole last semester by achieving such high grades. I set a standard that I am afraid not to measure up to.

On the plus side, my course work has put food on the back burner. Wayyy back. I used to fear mealtimes because I couldn't face the calories. Now I worry that any time spent eating is better spent making notes, or typing up papers. Not to say that I don't still fear the calories. Trust me, that will never change. I am thanking my lucky stars, too, that I don't snack when I am studying. Or stressing. I can't get any work done when I am eating handfuls of whatever I can get a hold of. It puts me in too relaxed a state of mind and I end up procrastinating.

It's wonderful how focusing entirely on schoolwork makes me forget about eating, though. And hunger. Haven't felt that in a while. I know that I can't keep this up, though. My body is telling me to stop. To breathe. But I can't, I have too much work to do. This is only the third week of the semester, too. I don't think I am pushing myself too hard. I am just not used to it. I am used to relaxing, and eating whatever the fuck I want, and not caring about what I look like, or what my goals are. Now my body is complaining.

TOO BAD! It's just going to have to deal with it, because I want this too much. I want to be thin, and I want to do well in school. Therefore time will be spent on studies. All of it. And being thin will just come along with it. Believe me, though, when I say that there will be times when I lost control. When a binge seems like the best option. But, as you are my witnesses, I know that it is never the best option. I must repeat this mantra always, so that when the time comes to walk away from temptation, I can. And will.

Success, confidence, and control are the best options.