day 11

Breakfast:

1 apple

Lunch:

2 cups stir-fry veg with 1 tbsp peanuts

l banana muffin

Snack:

5 dates

Dinner:

2 cups squash and leek soup

1 banana

For the last couple of days I have been in such a weird funk. I think I was wearing myself down from all the studying, and finally snapped. The days were running into each other, and it feels as though they never really happened. Friday was the worst. I couldn't even keep my eyes open, it felt like I was dying. Literally, like my mind was completely detached from my body. I was going through the motions, but my brain was half asleep and everything looked like night-time. But I wrote the exams yesterday and they went well; and they are over now so things are looking up.

My intake since Wednesday night has been about the same. Maybe a little higher than I would have liked. It wasn't so much as stress eating as it was feeding my body what it needed. Desperately. I'm not upset about it, but I am planning to refocus this week.

On Thursday night I went to a parade in a rural town near where I live. It is put on every year by a group of local farmers who decorate a tractor, combine, or some other piece of farm equipment and drive around the main streets. This was the first time I have ever gone, and it was great! Not commercial at all, unlike so many Christmas parades. I'm pretty sure that I froze my tits off, though. I don't think I have ever been so cold in my life. (And it's only December :( I can't even begin to describe how excited I am for mid-January when it is -40). I could not feel my feet, let alone toes, by the end of the night, even though I was wearing wool socks and my Sorels. Maybe I'm just a pansy, but I think I have a circulation issue in my feet. (Hmm...no. I'm probably just a pansy.)

Friday night I went to dinner with my brothers. We went to an Irish pub and I got a chickpea and potato curry with rice (I think the owners must have their cultures confused). Sometimes my brothers and I get along, but most of the time I want to kill them. This was a rare example of us being genial, which was nice; but by the end of the night I just wanted to be away from them. I used to think they were being mean, but I think now that they are just really ignorant. Not so much K, but C, especially. I think that he might have a natural tendency to need to be right all the time, to always put in the last word, and to have everyone around him think that the sun shines out of his ass. It doesn't. I lived with him out east for a year, and I am still amazed that I didn't murder him. (Not that I would ever dream of it, but he pushed me to my limit a few times). It is hard to give a decent example of his person, and why I abhor him so. And maybe one example wouldn't do him justice. Let's just say that in everything he does, be makes me feel inferior, stupid, fat, worthless, and unnoticed. Not only does he place himself on a throne, he draws a curtain over me.

I know that he is just an ignorant prick, and that his opinion shouldn't matter. But I can't help but feel that I am trying to gain his approval. This is such a stereotypical bad relationship, so why am I falling into the trap?

Sorry. Major rant.