ignorance must be bliss

Thursday night was my extended family's Christmas party. I used to dread going, but now I look forward to it, (mostly because I am now of the legal drinking age, and alcohol makes all things bearable). It is a potluck party, so the meal can be stressful. I had a smoothie that morning, and didn't eat again until dinner at 8, so I felt really good about it. And I only had a bit of salad and a slice of bread. And three beers. But I think I was still under 1000 calories, so I was happy.

I spent most of the night with my cousin and her brother's girlfriend. They are a few years older than me, but we get along really well. At one point in the evening, by younger cousins suckered us into playing Monopoly. (It has to be the worst game ever. It takes forever for someone to lose, and always ends up in a fight. Once again, alcohol came to the rescue). The younger girls gave us makeovers, too. Well, just hairdo, because someone had the good sense to hide an makeup (or face-paint, as they would have settled for it).

It was actually really nice to see the family, because I haven't since last year. My aunt mentioned how good I looked, and asked if I had been doing anything. (I said working out. A lot of aerobics. I didn't bring the dieting thing in to the mix because she would look at me like I was nuts and try to change my mind about it). Honestly though, it gave me such an ego boost. I can't notice a difference, and most people say nothing so I assume nothing has changed. But when she was taken aback by my appearance, I knew that I must be making some progress. She also said I should just give up school and get into modelling. (Hmm, now you're stretching it a bit, auntie. First: I'm not thin enough. Second: I'm not tall enough. Third: Not pretty enough, either.) I guess that since last Christmas I have lost 14 lbs.

Today is New Year's Eve, which is fine, I guess. I always stay home and watch movies. I hate to go to the bars, because they are always packed. And as much fun as house parties are, no one ever wants to be the host. So unless something comes up within the next few hours, I'm just lounging in my jammies watching movies and reading Nylon all night. But before I do that, there is one more resolution that I made last year that I have left to complete. (Actually, there are many, but this one I feel like I should do, just to get me one the right track for the new year. and because it can be done in one day). That resolution? To write a story. A short story. I have been toying with the idea for quite a while, (like 2 years). I just want to try my hand at fiction, and see where it takes me.

I hope that you all have a lovely end to 2011, and ring in the the new year right. (With a can-do attitude, not a handful of samosas or buttered nuts).

it's keeping me awake

I woke up this morning with high hopes of a good day, but within 10 minutes those hopes were thoroughly mangled.
While I was sitting at the dining table having a cup of tea and an apple, I could hear my dog doing something in the living room, so I went over to check it out. Turns out my idiot brother left a half-eaten Terry's chocolate orange on the coffee table, (which is the perfect height for a wiener dog to get at). Yup, my dog was helping himself to a big piece of poison! So I started screaming at Oscar (my dog) to get away from it, and he started growling at me with a mouth full of chocolate. I managed to get what he hadn't eaten yet away from him. By that point my brother had come out of his room, and was asking what was up. I told him, and handed him the rest of his orange. He looked at it and said, "Oh, he didn't eat any. That's exactly how much was left." Really?! Because I'm pretty sure I just watched Oscar snarf a bunch of it. Why does C think he needs to defend himself, anyway? I wasn't ragging on him or blaming him. Ugh, I just wanted to strangle him!

I was worried about Oscar for the rest of the day. I didn't really think he'd get sick, but there's always a chance. He is a small dog. But it's now 8pm and he hasn't keeled over yet, so I'm pretty sure he will live to see another day.

I think I was more upset at my brother, than worried about my dog. I mean, how much more lazy and oblivious can you be. "Uh, I didn't think he would get it", was his response. Really? He's a dog. If he can reach it, he will get it. And what did I say when you received that ball of calories on Christmas? Keep away from where Oscar can reach, and you said, "Absolutely, why wouldn't I?" I don't know, C. Why didn't you? GAAAHHH! I think I am overreacting, but he just stresses me out.

My dad was overreacting, too. He nearly threw a hissy fit when he found out. Then he was like, "What next? This is the second thing to go wrong this morning", (Wanna know what the first thing was? The newspaper wasn't delivered. Seriously). And then he refused to eat his toast and sulked, looking like he was about to cry. No exaggeration. I had to leave the room before I said something sarcastic.

Today was just tiring, having to be around ridiculous people all day. Tomorrow will be better, because I am home alone. I am making jam, too, so I will be nice and occupied for the day. (Pomegranate clementine jam, a gift for my aunts).

Oh, here are some pics of Oscar:

i turn my head up to the sky and focus one thought at a time

And so it begins, (officially; for me, anyways). The holiday season of parties and dinners. It is my family's Christmas dinner tonight, or should I say feast. I dread it every year. I want to indulge, but I want to restrict. I want to be merry and social, but I want to avoid the whole thing altogether. The angel and the devil on my shoulders are punching overtime, and I am at a crossroads. But I will survive, at least I always make it to the New Year no more worse for wear.

Thankfully, there are lots of tips floating around these days on how to politely decline those extra calories, and avoid the dreaded holiday weight gain. Here are a few of my tried and true tips:

1. Do not arrive to a meal/party hungry. Seriously, you are setting yourself up for disaster. Just eat a piece of fruit before hand, like a clementine. They are in season, full of fibre, and low calorie.

2. Keep yourself occupied, mind and body. Engage yourself in a conversation, a game, dancing, anything!

3. Keep your hands full. You can't reach for another cookie if you are holding a mug of hot tea, can you?

4. Leave the room where the food is. Staring at it only makes you look like a nutter, and sets you up for bad decisions. If it is a buffet, or there is a table with snacks, just get away from it.

5. Go for a walk. Not only will get away from temptation, you will burn off some calories while you are at it.

6. "I'm not hungry, thanks." Say it! SAY IT! Your brain will think you mean it, (which, of course, you do), and will stop pestering you to eat.

7. Bring your own food, so you have something "safe". Some fruit and veggies, air popped popcorn, diet soda. (In my experience, hosts NEVER buy diet drinks for mix).

8. Do at least a mini workout every day. A quick pilates routine, throw on some wild music and jump around. It will rev up your metabolism, suppress your appetite, and remind you of your ultimate goal.

9. Do not go back for seconds. You know what it tastes like. Oh, and take just a small bit at first.

10. Aim for maintenance, not weight loss. Yes, we would all like to lost another 5 pounds, but it's hard enough during the rest of the year. You have been working at this for the last 11.5 months. Take a breather.

I hope all you ladies have a lovely Christmas. And if you don't celebrate, then have a wonderful day tomorrow, regardless :) Stay strong and be merry.

PS: stillimagining, thank you so much for your note! Your support yanked me out of my funk and gave me a sharp slap across the face. Needless to say, I snapped out of it and am in control again. I am trying to be more mindful. I spend too much time searching, but I miss everything in life that I pass on the way to get wherever the hell I'm going. Thanks a million!

always been scared of the sea

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle right now. I can't figure out what I want. I am spending too much time trying to make up my mind, and end up eating too much in the meantime, which just makes it so much harder to stay focussed and believe in myself. But then I don't berate myself about it the way I would have a few months ago. What has changed? Do I just not care anymore. Have I given up hope? No. I'm just in a comfortable place right now and I am afraid of moving forward.

So what do I want? I mean, REALLY want?

1. To be skinny! Yes, this is a definite.
2. A gap between my thighs, prominent collar bones, (have those), tiny arms, a flat stomach. (These all go hand in hand with #1)
3. Confidence. In my body. In my work. In my life.
4. To be in control.

Okay, so it is not really a question of what I want. I know what I want. But all of these things take work, and commitment, and focus. Things that I lack right now. I think that the real question must be why I am not taking action, and the initiative to achieve these goals. Why do I list the things I want but do nothing?

I don't want to say it is because I am a lazy shit, but it might be part of the issue. No, I don't sit on my ass all day and do nothing. I am very active, just unproductive. I work out for at least an hour daily. I go out with friends. I clean the house. But living in this way, this "active" way, is not enough. And it is clearly not enough to keep my mind and self occupied for a long enough time not to dwell on past failure, worry about future disappointment, and break the promises I have made to myself. I need goals. I need drive. I need to be physically working at something that consumes me so completely that I forget everything else. School did that for me, sort of. But it is not enough. Plus, I am off for 3 weeks, so I am at loose ends right now.

I don't know :( I need something to work towards. Something in addition to a bangin' body.

What makes this feeling of dreamy do-nothingness is that it is right in the middle of the holiday season. There is so much food around, and none of it good. Just comfort food, which makes me feel complete for a short time and then the feeling goes, and I reach for another cookie. I keep saying to myself that it is only for a few weeks, and then when New Years comes, it will be like last year and you will gain this magical can-do attitude and be amazing and lose a pound a week. But then I also want not to feel weak for these two weeks, especially around so much family, to who I am trying to prove myself a strong and beautiful woman. Why must life be so difficult?

day 18

Breakfast:
1 apple

Lunch:
2 cups spinach salad

Snack:
5 dates

Dinner:
1 cup Thai noodles
1 cup roasted cauliflower

As far as weekends go, this was pretty unexciting. I didn't get much done, nor did I do much of anything. Just sat around and did crossword puzzles, and drank tea. I am looking forward to the hectic weekends ahead, what with all the festivities and socializing.

Tomorrow I am headed to Toronto with my mom to shop. We do this every year right before Christmas. Mostly we just go to buy me clothes and stuff, (which she then wraps and gives to me on the 25th). But we also do it to get out of town for a day and just forget about everything and anything. It is always a good time, so I am excited about it. My intake is going to be fairly high though :( (Honestly, I can't be hungry and cranky when I shop with my mom, that would ruin the fun). We are going to try out a little vegan restaurant, though, so what I will be eating will be (reasonably) healthy. No excesses of sugar or fat.

Make tomorrow a good one, ladies :)

day 17

Lunch:
2 cups spinach salad

Snack:
latte made with Coconut Dream

Dinner:
1/2 cup roasted Brussels sprouts
1 cup potatoes

I went to Bulk Barn today. I love that store, it has absolutely everything! I bought a bunch of millet, (so cheap and sooo good), and a ton of dried fruit. Also some coconut flour. I'm not sure what I am going to do with it yet, but I am curious to use it. They also had a big sale on dairy-free milks, so I bought some Coconut Dream. Officially it is my new favourite thing. It reminds me of a cross between soy milk and coconut water, (i.e. it is wonderful). I made a latte with it this afternoon and it was delicious. It is a little higher in calories than my usual almond milk, (60/cup of the unsweetened type), but I am not planning to drink it like water. I just use a bit here and there for smoothies and lattes and the like.

I had planned to buy a few coconut cashews while I was there, too, (bad me), but they didn't have any in stock. Which is good, because even a handful is like 500 calories :O

I seem to be craving coconut. Weird. Better than cake, I guess. (It has been on my mind for a few days now, since I heard of putting coconut rum in hot chocolate. Apparently it tastes like Almond Joy.) Sorry if this makes you crave it, but at least now you know how I feel :(

day 14

Breakfast:
1 apple

Lunch:
1 zucchini muffin
grande unsweetened green tea latte
a handful of pecans

Dinner:
1 cup roasted veggies
1 cup chili
1 zucchini muffin

Wrote my last exam today, so I am officially on winter break, which means:

NO MORE EXCUSES!!!



I can feel myself starting to slip, so I need to straighten things out and stay focussed.

day 13

Breakfast:
banana smoothie

Lunch:
1 cup lentil curry
1 zucchini muffin

Snack:
1 apple

Dinner:
1 cup chili
1/2 cup couscous salad
a handful of pecans



Apparently my skin has decided to hate me. My face is so dry and scaly, (gross, I know), but I have random breakouts too. My skin is usually clear, so this is really getting under my skin (pun intended). About 2 months ago I changed my skin regime, so that might be a bit to blame; that, and the cold weather and dry indoor air. Either way, I need to do something about it. I used to use Vichy Cleansing Milk and Toner for dry skin, and an exfoliant in the same line. I really liked them, but they are expensive, (but they do last forever). Right now I have a facial cleanser by Alba, (it smells like pineapple and summertime) and an exfoliant by St. Ives. I like them both, except that they make my face feel tight. I need a moisturizer to balance them.

Tomorrow, after my (last!)exam, I think I am going to take a trip to Shoppers and get some new products to treat myself. I like the Alba product so I am going to stick to them. (They are 100% vegetarian and free of the synthetic and artificial junk). There is a cleansing milk made with coconut milk which looks nice, and I am going to get the moisturizer and toner too. All in their Hawaiian line, (so I can feel like I am on holiday and smell like a fruit tree?)



Since I am on the subject of appearances, I have decided to cut my hair. (Correction: to have my hair cut. I did it myself once and it was a disaster). I have been trying to grow it out, but I think it is just getting bigger, and not any longer. A trim is in order, I believe. Volume is key, though. And bangs. Heavy, straight, bangs. I usually have them, but they grew out months ago. This is what I am thinking:



Thoughts?

day 12

Breakfast:

banana smoothie (1 banana, 1 cup almond milk, cinnamon)

Lunch:

2 cups squash and leek soup

1 banana muffin

Snack:

1 clementine

3 dates

Dinner:

1 cup couscous salad

1 apple

I have a new favourite workout routine. I discovered it on youtube after finding out that exercisetv.tv is no longer :( But not to worry, this new video is totally awesome! Sort of a cross between dance and aerobics, but the steps are so perverted! It was hilarious, and I was such a sweaty mess by the end of it. Definitely a permanent bookmark.

I was studying physical activity most of the afternoon, and it put me in a really motivated mood. Apparently, it is recommended (by Health Canada) to do some kind of flexibility workout 4-7 times per week, like stretching. Oh, and a few quick tricep and hamstring extensions after an hour run or spin class doesn't count. 4 repetitions of 10-30 seconds per stretch, per muscle group is what to aim for. It seems daunting, but not if you work up to it gradually.

I think I may be the least flexible person in existence, but I want to change that. I am going to try to do a stretching routine a few nights a week. I think I am going to start by doing this one, but I am bound to tweak it. Doing it at night might put me in a more relaxed mood, too, and I will (hopefully) sleep better.

day 11

Breakfast:

1 apple

Lunch:

2 cups stir-fry veg with 1 tbsp peanuts

l banana muffin

Snack:

5 dates

Dinner:

2 cups squash and leek soup

1 banana

For the last couple of days I have been in such a weird funk. I think I was wearing myself down from all the studying, and finally snapped. The days were running into each other, and it feels as though they never really happened. Friday was the worst. I couldn't even keep my eyes open, it felt like I was dying. Literally, like my mind was completely detached from my body. I was going through the motions, but my brain was half asleep and everything looked like night-time. But I wrote the exams yesterday and they went well; and they are over now so things are looking up.

My intake since Wednesday night has been about the same. Maybe a little higher than I would have liked. It wasn't so much as stress eating as it was feeding my body what it needed. Desperately. I'm not upset about it, but I am planning to refocus this week.

On Thursday night I went to a parade in a rural town near where I live. It is put on every year by a group of local farmers who decorate a tractor, combine, or some other piece of farm equipment and drive around the main streets. This was the first time I have ever gone, and it was great! Not commercial at all, unlike so many Christmas parades. I'm pretty sure that I froze my tits off, though. I don't think I have ever been so cold in my life. (And it's only December :( I can't even begin to describe how excited I am for mid-January when it is -40). I could not feel my feet, let alone toes, by the end of the night, even though I was wearing wool socks and my Sorels. Maybe I'm just a pansy, but I think I have a circulation issue in my feet. (Hmm...no. I'm probably just a pansy.)

Friday night I went to dinner with my brothers. We went to an Irish pub and I got a chickpea and potato curry with rice (I think the owners must have their cultures confused). Sometimes my brothers and I get along, but most of the time I want to kill them. This was a rare example of us being genial, which was nice; but by the end of the night I just wanted to be away from them. I used to think they were being mean, but I think now that they are just really ignorant. Not so much K, but C, especially. I think that he might have a natural tendency to need to be right all the time, to always put in the last word, and to have everyone around him think that the sun shines out of his ass. It doesn't. I lived with him out east for a year, and I am still amazed that I didn't murder him. (Not that I would ever dream of it, but he pushed me to my limit a few times). It is hard to give a decent example of his person, and why I abhor him so. And maybe one example wouldn't do him justice. Let's just say that in everything he does, be makes me feel inferior, stupid, fat, worthless, and unnoticed. Not only does he place himself on a throne, he draws a curtain over me.

I know that he is just an ignorant prick, and that his opinion shouldn't matter. But I can't help but feel that I am trying to gain his approval. This is such a stereotypical bad relationship, so why am I falling into the trap?

Sorry. Major rant.

LIGHTS!

I will give a full update on the past few days tomorrow; but for now, I just want to sleep.

day 7

Breakfast:

1 apple

Lunch:

1/2 cup oatmeal

1 banana

Dinner:

2 cups lentil parsnip soup

1 slice bread

1 cup cabbage slaw

2 lemon ginger cookies

I feel like I ate wayy too much today. But I didn't. Not really. Maybe I am just feeling the effects of soup for dinner because it is so filling. I made it from pretty much any leftover veggies in the fridge. Parsnips, carrots, onion, eggplant, apples, ginger, and lentils of course. It turned out really well, too. And there is about another bowl left; just enough for a light lunch tomorrow, (must be fate).

I need to quit it with the cookies. I baked them on Sunday, and there is still a bunch left. That's my biggest issue with home baking: the recipes make wayyy too much. I wish I could just make a single cookie, or cupcake. Just a taste, when I feel like I deserve it. But noo, three dozen later and I am swimming in baked goods and potential calorie overload. Why does the adage "Go big or go home" have to apply to everything?

day 6

Breakfast:

1 apple

Lunch:

1 banana

2 slices quinoa bread

Dinner:

1 cup spinach salad

grande unsweetened soy green tea latte

Evening:

1 clementine

5 slices cucumber

1 lemon ginger cookie

I am positively drained. I wrote two exams today (nutrition and horticulture), and now I feel like I could collapse into a little puddle of exhaustion. (Actually, that sounds rather more inviting than pathetic). The exams went well, although I am not surprised considering I don't remember doing much other than review the past four days. Sadly, I have to write chemistry and psychology on Saturday, so I am back at it tomorrow. But tonight I will be catching up on Michael Tuesdays and Thursdays, (a new show on CBC that I have become addicted to), and reading. And sleeping.

When I rode the bus home after my night exam, I felt nauseous. I think it was partly because my brain is fried, (info overload!) and partly due to my poor diet today. I think my glucose levels are pretty low, so I had a clementine and some cucumber and a cookie when I got home. I feel a little better now, but I am calling it a day. I need to find balance so that I don't burn out.

day 5

Breakfast:

1 apple

Lunch:

1 cups tomato squash soup

1 cup green salad with 1 tbsp pumpkin seeds

2 slices quinoa bread

Dinner:

1 cup mushroom jambalaya

2 lemon ginger cookies

day 4

Breakfast:

1 apple

Lunch:

1 cup cabbage sautee in a spinach wrap

1 tbsp tapanade

1 clementine

Dinner:

2 cups tomato squash soup

2 slices quinoa bread

2 lemon ginger cookies

1 glass red wine

CW: 107 lbs

I am happy with today's intake. When I was eating, I was focussed on what I was eating, not what I was planning to eat next, which is a big change. I am going to keep working on this habit.

Last night at like 2 am, a guy I went to high school with texted me. I'm pretty sure he has been in love with me since grade 12, but I don't feel the same way towards him. At the end of every semester, he starts texting me because he wants to hang out, and he is going to be in town, (he lives 5 hours away). I always try to avoid him. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the guy, I just don't want to get into a situation where I have to level with him. I wish we could just hang out as friends, and I could feel comfortable knowing that his thoughts were purely platonic. And he is always clearly drunk when he texts me, which just makes it worse because he calls me pet names like "bunny" and calls me beautiful. Ugh, it's too weird. Especially at 2 am when its wakes me up from a lovely dream where I am back together with my ex :(

In more positive news, I was invited to a party next Saturday. I am not sure if I am going to go yet; depends who else is planning to go. Only a few of my circle were invited; (it's at my best friend's, brother's girlfriend's place). The guy that I like is going, so I want to go, (I feel like such a 12 year old girl when I say that).

day 3

Breakfast:

1 apple

Lunch:

l clementine

Dinner:

1 roasted potato

2 cups cabbage sautee

1 glass red wine

I went to the market today and bought some squash. I am going to make a soup tomorrow for dinner, and bake some quinoa bread. Mmm.

I think I might make myself some oatmeal later tonight. Or some popcorn, I haven't decided. I hope everyone is doing well, and keeping warm. It's bloody cold here. Yayy tea :)

day 2

Breakfast:

1 apple

Lunch:

salad - 2 cups raw veggies, 1 tbsp pumpkin seeds, 2 tsp maple balsamic dressing

Afternoon:

black coffee

Dinner:

5 bean curry in a roti, apple cider

I am thrilled with how I feel right now. Usually, after eating out I feel all stressed and in a depressive, binge mindset. Not today. I went to a funny little downtown cafe for dinner. The interior is covered with bright murals of toucans and tropical fish, and they serve water in bright plastic cups. And the tables have place mats. PLACE MATS! How twee. I decided not to have any alcohol after all. I wasn't feeling it. And when the dessert menu came around I politely declined and had an apple cider instead. I think it is my new favourite treat. It's the perfect amount of sweet and warmth.

Today was hard, though. I was at home all day studying, and I was looking for ways to procrastinate. I kept having remind myself that food is not the answer. But I got through it, and tomorrow will be easier. I am going out most of the day, and I have today's success as a platform. :) I refuse to screw this up.

day 1

I realized today that, on the days that I feel like a failure to my weight loss goals, I didn't wake up with a plan. I jumped in headfirst, (and backwards, too, no doubt), and floundered. What I need is structure. I thrive off of planning and organization. Being disorganized stresses me out, and stress is not conducive to good decisions, and feelings of success and calm.

This revelation has sparked an idea in me. A Christmas Countdown Diet. I want to be 104 lbs on Christmas, (well, the 24th, because that is the day of my family dinner, and there is no way I won't weigh at least a few extra pounds more on the 25th ). From now till then, I am going to have a plan. Not necessarily a strict one, but a plan so that I can have small successes each day, and reach an ultimate success of 104 lbs.

I weighed this morning. 110 lbs. wtf. I blame my celebratory vanilla latte last night, after finishing my last class. No regrets. I also took a picture of myself. Something to compare to in a month. I think my thighs could stretch from here to the moon, but I am not going to let that get me down. Motivation, right?

Okay, so here is the daily plan:

• 1 L water, minimum
• 2 mugs tea (2 cups each), minimum
• 45-60 minutes physical activity
• go outside for some fresh air
• 5 servings vegetables
• breakfast is an apple
• no more than 1 oz nuts (I seem to have an addiction; at least it has moved from nut butter to raw nuts)
• do not eat past 8 pm
• no snacking between meals, or when preparing food
• if "famished", 1/2 cup of raw veggies is acceptable, and a large glass of water
  

And, because I believe in rewards, or daily "treats", and because I love those advent calendars with the horrible (read:wonderful) cheap chocolate, every day I will plan something nice. Maybe a special food, or an activity, depends. I am not going to plan ahead for the next 24 days, of course. Maybe a few days in advance, at most, I will have an idea of what I will do, (it cannot be a careless whim, of course). Tomorrow, since it is Friday and I will be going out to dinner, I may have a beer. No dessert. Nothing fried. Veggie burger and salad, probably; (there is never much choice for a vegan). Enjoy it, too. Mind the moment.

I might come up with more daily "rules", and will post them as they come up. But for now, this is a good start. I think I will try to post every day, too. Even just to acknowledge the day, and to remind myself that I am accountable for tomorrow.