pushed to the limits

It seems that no matter what I do, it still isn't good enough. And even if it is 100x better than the next person, it just doesn't measure up.

My mom has a knack for crushing my self-esteem. I got a 93% on my chem midterm. When she asked how I did, (she asked, I didn't brag), she treated me as though I could do better - should do better. And that I had better bring that mark up if I know what's good for me. Okay, so she didn't say that in so many words. But when I told her my mark, she gave me a look of cold pity, and said "Well. You passed, I guess." Passed. Passed? I passed with flying colours! Don't you dare try to take that from me!

Too late, I feel inadequate and useless. Once again.

For the past few days, too, she has been getting on my ass about doing schoolwork. Every time she sees me doing something other than studying, she says "Have you done everything that you wanted to today?" My answer is always "Yes". (I'm not stupid enough to say no). This is supposed to be my winter break! Why can't I just take a breather? On Sunday she asked if I was planning to do work every day this week. "Well, sure. Why wouldn't I?" "Oh, good." She says, "That means you have a plan". Alright, mom. Not sure why it affects you whether I have a plan or not. But okay. I really appreciate you controlling my life and hovering. Not.


I got my mark back today for a paper I wrote two weeks ago. Not happy with it. AT ALL. In fact, I cried. Not because I felt like I deserved better. (I did a little, but I have a similar one due at the end of the term so I will bring my mark up for that one). No. I was upset because I feared how my mom would react to it. Disappointment. Disgust. I don't want to face that. So I won't tell her. Not that it is any of her business, anyway. But when she asks, (she will), I wont tell her. I won't lie, I will just say that it is NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS.

***

Just got back from Zumba. Feeling much better. I didn't want to go. I was feeling lazy, as I haven't done any sort of physical activity since Thursday. But I did, and I'm glad I did. I got to yell and scream and dance all my angries out. Exercise is the best way to feel better. It takes your mind of of everything. It gets the endorphins flowing. And, unlike food, you don't feel like a guilty failure afterwards. (If only I could remember this before I eat next time). And then I went and bought a magazine. Nylon. Nina Dobrev is on the cover, (lover her).

I also read my feedback on the paper I did terribly bad on. Not as bad as I thought. I just didn't include the things I was supposed to, apparently. (It was a reflective essay. Not sure how there was a set of things to write about, since it was subjective, but whatever). Suffice to say, I can totally bring my mark up to awesome next time.

Sorry for the novel. I will cut it here. But I will be back tomorrow night. Promise. I have big plans for a new diet tomorrow.